NY Post – An ex-con was busted for stealing an iPhone when it started ringing — while stashed up his butt in a holding cell at the West Village station house, sources told The Post yesterday. Trent Patterson, 47, had initially been arrested for allegedly burglarizing the trendy Ted Baker clothing boutique in the Meatpacking District at around 5:50 a.m. Friday, along with four other suspects, the sources said. A food vendor had spotted the five allegedly going in and out of the shop with armfuls of clothing and accessories. The vendor called cops, and all five suspects were quickly nabbed. Then, as Patterson was in a holding cell at the Sixth Precinct station house, a 27-year-old man whose iPhone had been swiped used an app to track the device, according to the sources. The victim, who was at the station house to report the theft, called his phone — and heard the ring coming from Patterson in a nearby cell. When an officer confronted Patterson, the career criminal admitted that he’d hidden the phone up his butt and retrieved it, the sources said. Patterson was charged with criminal possession of stolen property for filching the iPhone 5 and burglary for the clothing heist. Patterson has served four stints in state prison dating back to 1991, mostly for robbery. He was being held in lieu of $50,000 bond after his arraignment yesterday in Manhattan Criminal Court.

Whats your end game after you steal an iPhone and shove it up your asshole? Like are you really planning on hopefully escaping law enforcement, eventually taking a shit, passing the iPhone, cleaning it off, and using it? Selling a shit covered iPhone? Once you shove that up your asshole you can cuncel da iPhone. All value is gone. How do you even get one up there in the first place? Talk about putting a square peg in a round hole. I just have so many questions about the before, during, and after process of stealing an iPhone and stuffing it up your butt that it makes me wonder how anyone has willingly gone through with it. As soon as I realize I have like 4 or 5 major unanswered question about smuggling in my asshole, I’m giving up. This guy just threw all caution to the wind and did the old “Smuggle up your asshole now, ask questions later.” Almost admirable.