OTTAWAThe capital is known for its museums of culture, agriculture and war — now Canadians can add an exhibit that provides teens advice on anal sex to the list of Ottawa’s attractions. The Museum of Science and Technology is hosting Sex: A Tell-All Exhibition, opening Thursday. Initially aimed at children 12 and up, organizers quickly boosted the admission age to 16 after some parents were aghast at the graphic displays. “It very quickly became apparent to myself and my wife that this was revolting,” parent Patrick Meagher told QMI Agency. “They were encouraging kids to have multiple partners, have anal sex, and the words they used were inappropriate. This felt like a sexual agenda being pushed.” The exhibit includes floor-to-ceiling photos of nude toddlers, children, teens and adults, and an array of heated, flavoured and textured condoms rolled over wooden dildos. There’s also a ‘climax room’ with a round, low, leather bed, red curtains, a video screen showing animations of aroused genitals, and the voice of a man describing an orgasm. Next to close-up photos of adult genitals are video screens using animations to explain masturbation. Attendees are asked to write their own words for penis and vagina on a digital screen, and slang-terms like c— and pussy for female genitalia and c— for male body parts, are displayed above it in large letters. Next to a printed question asking, ‘Why do many boys always want to have anal sex?’ sexologist Jamy Ryan responds that not all boys want to do it, but: “If you are comfortable trying that activity, go ahead and do it. It could be fun for you, but if you are not, you don’t really have to do it.”

Now thats what I call a fuckin field trip. Its not often that I’ll give Canada props, but I tip my cap to you on that one. When I was a kid you know what field trips I went on? We went to the Liberty Science Center in Jersey City. Fuckin fake nerd museum where you touched an electromagnetic ball and your hair would stick up. Big fuckin whoop, Jersey! Kids in Canada are going to sex exhibitions and jerking off in the climax room while some robot voice teaches them how to trick girls into doing anal.

Thats what real life school should be all about. You know when kids are always complaining “when am I gonna really use this in life?” Always complaining that school knowledge isn’t practical? Well Canada understands that. Forget about state capitals and your times tables, Canada is teaching their kids how to masturbate. Seriously, whats more practical than that? You are literally going to do that every single day for the rest of your life. Its right up there with learning how to eat and breath. I’m in the classroom learning how to write cursive and Canadians are in the Climax Room listening to robot voices teach them how to beat their dick.

And how about for the ladies? Same robot voice explaining that every dude she dates for the rest of her life is gonna wanna put their dicks in their butts. Thats a pretty big lesson to learn, no? In America, chicks are probably fucking floored the first time a boy tries to enter the backdoor. You wanna know why? They were too busy learning about Lewis and Clarke and Manifest Destiny. North of the border the museum is explaining its destiny to get a dick in your ass. Why do boys like it? We don’t know! But you should just accept it and do it! Thats some real life knowledge right there.

Probably most important is teaching their kids all the slang words for dicks and pussies. I guarantee you’ll be talking about dicks and cocks and boners and pussies and box and coochie long after you forget who the 5th President was and what an imaginary number is. And if you’re the only kid on the playground at recess who doesn’t know what “I put my tool in her tampon tunnel” means, you ain’t gonna have any friends.

PS – Now that my tough guy act is over, I can admit the Liberty Science Center was fire.