NOVEMBER 27A Florida woman was jailed last night for a post-coital assault on her boyfriend, an attack the victim says was prompted when only he climaxed during a sexual encounter in the couple’s residence. Raquel Gonzalez, 24, was arrested Monday afternoon for felony domestic battery and booked into the Manatee County lockup, where bond has been set at $750. Gonzalez is pictured in the adjacent mug shot. According to a Manatee County Sheriff’s Office report, Gonzalez and Esric Davis, 30, are “boyfriend and girlfriend who live in the same home and are involved in a sexual relationship.” Deputies noted that Davis and Gonzalez were “involved in sexual intercourse” when “Esric then climaxed and Raquel did not.” Which reportedly angered Gonzalez, who allegedly “began hitting and scratching [Davis], causing scratches near his eye and nose.” Davis told investigators that Gonzalez “goes off” frequently and that she had previously been physical with him. At one point, Gonzalez told deputies, “I have scratches on me too from where he tried to restrain me when I lost it.” Gonzalez was reportedly “belligerent and uncooperative” and declined to answer questions post-Miranda.

Call me crazy but if I’m Esric Davis I’m feeling pretty good about myself. I mean thats a pretty drastic reaction to some premature ejaculation. You know what happens to me when I bust a nut too quickly? My girlfriend sighs and pats me on the back and tells me “I was really close that time!” Then later that night when I’m sleeping I hear a quiet vibrating underneath the covers as I pretend to sleep. Maybe the first few times she wanted to hit me and scratch me and get all belligerent. Maybe after I talked a big game and told her 50 Shades of Grey was like child’s play compared to my dick game and got her hopes up – maybe then she’d flip out. But at this stage of the game she knows what she’s getting. Believe me, I wish my premature ejaculation was so noteworthy it sent my lady into a fit of rage. Instead its just like “Well whadda ya know!”

Next time I’m gonna tell my girlfriend to fake it. Not fake the orgasm. Fake the outrage at my premature ejaculation. Punch me in the face screaming “What the fuck was that! You usually last forever and give me multiple orgasms! You fucking asshole!” That will make me feel 10 times better than some moaning and groaning in the sack.