CA – A California woman live-tweeted a break-in by her neighborhood sneak-thief – as she attacked the burglar with bear spray and a samurai sword and drove him off. Sonya Yu, a San Francisco photographer, learned that the thief had been roaming her neighborhood stealing packages from doorsteps. He had allegedly stolen $1,000 worth of deliveries from Miss Yu herself. On Tuesday, she put out a ‘bait package’ and waited on her balcony to see whether the burglar would try to steal it. ’Apparently, our neighborhood thief has a violent rape rap sheet. My bear spray, bokken, & I are still not intimidated,’ she tweeted about 2.10pm. A bokken is a wood samurai sword used for training. At 4.45pm, she tweeted about writing her wedding vows and how she was certainly going to cry as she read them at her wedding. Then, 30 minutes later, she tweeted: ‘I GOT HIM WITH THE BEAR SPRAY BUT HE ESCAPED.’ ’8 COPS HAVE HIM & I JUST CONFIRMED ID,’ she wrote minutes later. ‘HE IS BEIN TAKEN AWAY IN AN AMBULANCE CUZ OF THE BEAR SPRAY I DOUSED HIM WITH,’ she added.

Asian who’s a photographer. Check.

Asian with a samurai sword. Check.

Woman presenting false hope to a man. Check.

Woman being an attention whore. Check.

In summation, what we have here is one stereotypical Asian bitch. Just writing her wedding vows, twirling her samurai sword, trying to lure a guy over to her place with lies and then violently lashing out at him when he takes the bait. Like is this even legal? Can you blast people with bear mace and chop them with swords because they tried to steal a fake package? What a hero this bitch is huh? I’d almost believe she was a true vigilante if she hadn’t tried to parlay the whole incident into retweets and more followers. Because that’s what this whole thing was about – a higher Klout score. You don’t just live tweet an elaborate sting operation for the fun of it. You do it cause you want to bolster that social media presence.

Hey, wait a minute? I want more followers. Can I do this? I’m pretty sure there are tons of criminals in my neighborhood. Maybe I’ll just start leaving stacks of cash outside my apartment and then tweet updates as I kick them in the dick and spray Windex in their eye. 1,000,000 followers, here I come!

PS – KFC’s playing hookie so you bitches are stuck with me all day. Cue the “Friday isn’t the weekend dumbass, get a calendar, blah blah blah.” Well if you haven’t figured out that I don’t write on the weekends anymore than Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Also, follow me on twitter - @thejustinmac