DALLASSeveral times a day, Barbara Lewis slips off her organic cotton slippers and relaxes on her tidy twin-sized bed. She slides a mask onto her face and turns on a steady stream of oxygen from a nearby tank. “I have cast iron tanks — not aluminum,” she’s careful to point out. For entertainment, she stuffs a book inside a cellophane bag. (Plastic is strictly forbidden in her small apartment.) “It blocks out the volatile organic compounds from the ink,” she offers as an explanation for the bag covering her book. It’s a tedious exercise Lewis repeats daily in her ongoing battle to lead a “clean” life — convinced that nearly everything in the modern world is making her sick. “It’s a hard life,” she admits. “It’s challenging.” Aluminum foil covers part of her living room wall to block a cable box inside. She has no reservation about wearing a gas mask on the rare occasion she steps outside to get groceries. “Some people call me courageous,” she said. “I get a lot of stares from children.” Lewis says all are necessary steps to shield herself from the fumes and wireless signals constantly assaulting our bodies from modern devices. Nearly every technological convenience so many Americans treasure are dangerous to her. Cell phones, televisions, computers, cars —  all are off-limits because of a condition known as chemical and electrical sensitivity. Lewis is convinced the emissions of countless objects are damaging her body… and her mind. “It’s actually a full-time job,” she says about her plan to stay healthy. Insurance rarely covers her expenses, so she’s relying on savings. “Which is why I’m currently applying for disability,” she said, “because there’s no way I can work in my previous career.”

I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone as much as I hate Barbara Lewis. First of all bitch, nobody calls you courageous. Thats just a bold faced lie. Everyone calls you a psychopathic pain in the fucking ass. Secondly, you wanna be allergic to everything? You wanna live a “clean” life and put everything in plastic bags and dress up in aluminum foil and walk around with a gas mask and shit? Go ahead. But don’t you fucking dare get paid for it. I swear to everything that is holy if I find out this bitch gets disability payments for “chemical and electrical sensitivity” I will hunt her down and beat her to death with a computer. Strangle her with an extension cord and stone her with iPhones and iPads and shit. I’m usually all for Snake It Til You Make It but I can’t stand by and have this bitch claim being a whiny C U Next Tuesday is a “full time job.” Partially because she is the quintessential dramaqueen bitch but mostly because I’m just jealous I didn’t come up with the idea.