Telegraph - In a pact reminiscent of the eroticism featured in the best-seller Fifty Shades of Grey and the notorious novel The Story of O, the saleswoman from Padua signed the explicitly-worded agreement with her then boyfriend in 2004, when she was 24. They married in 2006 but the relationship eventually fell apart and the couple separated last year. The woman, now aged 31, has shown the two-page contract to her lawyers to support her demands for a divorce and accusations of physical abuse. She also accuses her former partner of stalking her since their split. The contract stipulated that she be considered a “slave” to her husband, a property manager who was 10 years older than her. He was referred to throughout the contract as her “padrone” or master. Neither has been named publicly because the case is before the courts. ”The slave agrees to obey and to offer herself for the satisfaction of the desires of her master,” the contract read. ”The slave agrees to place her body at her master’s disposition, to be used at his pleasure.” Any “infraction” would be punished, the contract stipulated, with the woman expected to accept the penalty with “humility”. As part of the unusual accord, the husband agreed that he would not subject his wife to “coprophilia, bestiality, asphyxia/restriction of breathing, branding by fire, any activities involving weapons and any acts in general which could permanently mark her physically”. It also stipulated that if, during their sadomasochistic sex sessions, the husband went too far, the woman could call a halt by using two agreed signals – either saying the “safe word” Mario or banging her hand three times against the nearest surface.

Are chicks the most fickle beasts or what? They’re like NFL wide receivers. Like hey toots, did you sign the contract or not? Those terms were agreeable in 2004 right? You offered yourself for the satisfaction and the desires of your padrone. You placed your body at the disposition of your master. Even worked in a few clauses so that you didn’t get set on fire or have to eat any shit. And now all the sudden you’re a slave? Now you’re under appreciated and abused? Pipe down, Desean Jackson. Grow up, Mike Wallace. You made your bed, now get tied up in it and sleep with a ball gag in your mouth when I say you’re allowed too.

Plus be careful what you wish for with these slavery lawsuits, girls. You know how many dudes out there can sue their wives for slavery at this very moment? They might not have a signed contract to prove it, but I’d say about 95% of married men out there are Common Law Slaves. Indentured Servant by habit and repute.

PS – “Mario” is one of the greatest safe words of all time. Imagine some chick getting pounded with one of those sex machines with clothespins on her nipples just screaming MARIO MARIO MARIO! while banging her hand on the nearest surface? Hilarious. Being a chick fucking sucks.