NY Daily News - A Chinese beauty contest requiring candidates to have nipples spaced at least 20 centimetres (7.8 inches) apart sparked a storm of criticism on the Internet on Friday. ”Why more than 20 centimetres? I honestly don’t know who came up with these figures,” said a user on Weibo, China’s version of Twitter. ”How can beauty standards include breast distance? Do they take women as toys?” Judging women by such rigid criteria is so ‘out’!” said TV personality Yang Lan on the microblog. The contest, aimed at crowning 10 university students in central Hubei province, drew from traditional Chinese and modern Western standards of beauty, a contest staff member was quoted as saying in the Global Times on Friday. He added that contest organisers had conducted research on the Internet to determine the criteria. In addition to considering traditional measurements like chest, waist and hips, the contest also said the space between candidates’ pupils should be 46 percent of the distance between their pupil and their ear.

Say what you want about the Chinese. They have no subway etiquette and they eat cats and dogs for dinner. But those motherfuckers know what they want and they rule with an iron fist. Whether its breeding an army of gold medalist gymnasts or making sure their beauty pageant contestants have nipples that are at least 7.8 inches apart. Its that sort of attention to detail that makes them the best scientists and engineers in the world. And lets face it – nobody likes a bad set of nipples. You could have the greatest set of tits and weird nipples can ruin the whole rack. They gotta be the right size, the right color, the right width, the right length – and they gotta be the correct distance apart. You ever see a pair of nips too close together? Shit will make you go cross eyed trying to look at those things. What if you got a pair of tits with dinner plate nipples that are too close together? Those areolas will look like an intersecting Venn Diagram.

You see, tits are like Lost. A perfectly round, big, perky set of tits is like seasons 1-5 of Lost. Just absolutely amazing. But a weird set of nipples that are 5 inches apart and bumpy and dark is like season 6. Just a weird, upsetting, unfortunate ending to something that was once beautiful. When you think of those tits, all you’ll remember is the scary nipples that ruined the whole rack – just like all you can remember from Lost was that stupid fucking ending.

PS – I just measure my own nipples. 9 1/4 inches from middle of nipple to middle of nipple. Just give me the tiara right now. I got the perfect nipples for this Chinese beauty pageant.