Rub my tummy for good luck!

ShanghaistHubei-based Chutian Metro Dailyreports that many Chinese men are on the lookout for larger women to marry, due to a Chinese fortune-telling tradition which states that chubby wives will bring their husbands good luck. According to Chinese superstition, there are certain features that, if a woman possesses them, will bring her husband good luck. A woman with a round face and larger figure is allegedly able to ensure good fortune for her husband. A 45-year-old bachelor quoted in the Chutian Metro Daily, surnamed Liu, says he wants a wife who is “not too pretty … has a round face … and chubby body”. Another bachelor, a 44-year-old minerals mogul surnamed Deng, has had it with attractive women: “I’ve seen too many pretty women. They are not suitable for being a good wife to me. I need to take care of and soothe a pretty girl instead. I will be too tired.” Deng particularly doesn’t like girls who paint their nails (the harlots!) and wear too much perfume (a well known indicator of low moral character).

You know who started the legend that fat Chinese bitches bring good luck? Some fat Chinese bitch, thats who. I can just see it now – some round Chinese broad rolling fortune cookies in the back of a restaurant filling every single one with fortunes about how fat girls bring you prosperity. Like “The man with the skinny chicken eats eggs every day. He who weds the fat pig eats like a king until his end of days.”  Or “He who finds a Yokozuna wife is the true Grand Champion.” Or “Fat chicks try harder.” Just infiltrating the minds of Asian men everywhere trying to sway their perversions from underage hentai Geishas to fat Asians – Fasians. Because in China when you control the fortune cookies, you control…information.

For real though, you know how hard it is to be a fat Asian? There’s probably like 75 fat Asians out of a total of 2 billion worldwide. Your first inclination is to consider them a social outcast. A genetic misfit. But maybe Asian guys out there are superstitious. Maybe they see Fasians as a delicacy. There are so few of them, each fat chick is to be cherished as a lucky charm. Like Great Whites in a pack of Shark Bites.