Shanghai – And now we have some rather startling news from Xinhua.net: one young upstart in Jilin province, Li Meng, has spent the entirety of the last six years locked away in one of these nerd-infested dungeons, only hitting the pause button to grab a bite to eat, and (have mercy) shower.  “Not long ago, a professor of psychology at Jilin University, Professor Ding, informed us there was a young man who had been playing internet games for as long as six years with out any communication with the outside world.” But the professor obviously caught the young gamer as he finally got to the Boss stage on Level 12: “No matter what was said, he refused to communicate with anyone else. I consulted the café owner, who simply explained that having been there for so long, they barely noticed his presence, and found him to be straightforward and of little annoyance.” Part of the furniture basically, or the epitome of a wallflower. We’ve all indulged in a little Mario Kart or Madden after a night out – but six years of continuous button bashing surely means a top score that is going to take some beating. If your mental image of this young man is a bespectacled beanpole with no friends, stinking of cigarettes, sweat and instant noodles, you would be…exactly right. In fact, Xinhua takes the stereotype one step further: “The bespectacled youth clearly hadn’t been to a hairdresser for a long time”. But how does this marathon gamer support his habit? In fact, his habit supports him. Xinhua sheds some light on his finances: “As he talked to our reporter, his gaze was locked to the computer screen, the plastic bag containing his dinner open by his side. He has a monthly income of RMB2,000, of which 500 is paid as a fee to the café every month.”

We’re so inclined to look at a kid like this and call him a loser. Say he’s some nerd gamer who’s never been laid and think of him as pathetic. Thats just how we were raised. I remember beating the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time and celebrating like I just won the World Series. Like chicks were gonna come knocking on my door like “I heard you beat the water temple, can I suck your dick???” But then I realized I lived in America and if I was ever gonna lose my virginity I need to get outside and play sports so that girls would be impressed by me.

But this story right here is in China. Asians. Everything is backwards over there. If you’re a stud athlete, you get shipped off to some internment camp where they train you to be a fucking male gymnast for the next 15 years. Your life fucking sucks. If you’re the techy nerd, you’re like the most popular dude in town. Playing at one internet cafe for 18 hours a day for 6 straight years is like the equivalent of being the all-state quarterback or something. I bet chicks watch this kid play video games and their panties are an ocean. If he retired from the gaming game right now I bet he could have 6 straight years of weird Asian orgies. In the land of the Chinese, the foul smelling gamer is king.