Is it too much to ask that we get the Big Man and chair that he can fucking fit in? I mean that thing is not even close to big enough. My man has like 1/4 of 1 cheek on that seat. That means 1/8th of his whole ass. 7/8ths ass just hanging off the chair as he sits sideways while Letterman yaps his ear off. Can’t we get a special edition Chris Christie chair for this one interview?? Imagine playing Musical Chairs with the Governor? Shit would last one round. Chris Christie would sit down and his ass would wrap around the whole circle of seats. His ass fat just expanding across every open chair like some sort of Musical Chairs Manifest Destiny and everyone would automatically be out and he’d win right away.

At any rate, not many people own being fat better than Chris Christie. Its like he knows he’ll never be skinny enough to please people, so he just goest over the top and gets fatter and makes it his schtick. Maybe thats what I should do. Because if you want to be fat and like being fat, when people call you fat it doesn’t affect you, you know? Yup. Thats it. I’m gonna strive to be as fat as I fucking can. Feitelberg, fetch me my donuts!

PS – I haven’t had a donut in a month and I’m fucking dying. Dunkin Donuts came out with a fucking brownie batter filled donut and Krispy Kreme came out with a Oreo cookie cream filled one. Like God is just taunting me while I try not to become morbidly obese.