ExplodingCigar

Huff Post - An Indonesian man lost six teeth and suffered 51 stitches to his mouth after the cigarette he was smoking exploded, according to reports. Andi Susanto, 31, claims he was riding on a motorbike when the cigarette exploded. He has now received a payment of 5m rupiah ($535) in an out-of-court settlement from the cigarette manufacturers, PT Nojorono Tobacco. Police are now investigating the case. Iwan Sulistyo, the marketing chief of the Clas Mild brand by PT Nojorono Tobacco, said the company was perplexed by the explosion. “We are communicating with the police and still waiting on the forensic laboratory tests,” Iwan said in an Interview with The Jakarta Globe. “We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes so we think that this is a weird case. This is the first time for us.”

J Christ all I gotta say is God Bless America.  Could you imagine if this shit happened in the Good Ol’ US of A?  Philip Morris would settle out of court for $150 trillion dollars.  Poor Andi Susanto sucks on an M80 and he walks away with 5 hundred bucks.  You know why?  Because Indonesia sucks, that’s why.  I sit around and pray for this kinda shit to happen to me all the time. Guess how long I’ve been smoking cigarettes hoping for one to explode.  Like 15 years.  I’ll sacrifice 6 teeth for a billion from Big Tobacco.  No questions asked.  Unless I end up with a cleft lip like those kids on the 1-800 commercials.  That shit is for the birds.

And it doesn’t stop there. I just sit on my couch and blog while testing out potentially dangerous products with the hope of a sick settlement.  I cross the street hoping to get cracked by taxis and break a leg or two.  Fingers crossed for a nasty slip and fall in a Starbucks or some shit.  Because there are two irrefutable truths in this world: 1) You dicks will never buy enough t shirts to support my desired lifestyle, and 2) Chances of me earning an honest living like the rest of you suckers are about 0%.  Snake it till you make it, folks.