HUNTINGTON, W.Va., Feb. 3 (UPI) – A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum. Louis Helmburg III of Marshall University is suing the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity and fraternity member Travis Hughes, claiming he suffered injuries at a party in 2011 after the allegedly drunken Hughes attempted to fire a bottle rocket from his anus, Courthouse News Service reported Thursday. ”Instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the deck, the lawsuit contends. In the suit, filed in Cabell County Court, Helmburg claims he suffered pain and medical expenses and lost playing time on Marshall’s baseball team, and that the fraternity was negligent in supervising its guests and members.

You know the saying “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen?” Well someone should tell Louis Helmburg III if you can’t stand a bottle rocket exploding in someone’s asshole, get out of the party. Like I remember my first party, bro! Were you startled when people were doing keg stands and hooking up too?You square. Bottle rockets out of the asshole is fuckin par for the course at these frat keggers. Sometimes there’s a slip up and a dude blows his rectum to smithereens but you don’t see anybody else falling off of decks, do you? Everyone else probably just pointed and laughed at the kid who’s colon exploded on the wall and then went and huffed some bath salts or whatever it is that kids do these days.

By the way, the whole time I was reading this and writing this I pictured Zollo as the kid who fell off the deck. And then halfway through I started picturing Zollo as the kid blowing his asshole apart, too. Its a lot funnier if you do that. Trust me.