Cubicle Chronicles – Email
Hey KFC
First time long time, wanted to share one of the most persistent and intense sources of anguish in my office life, which I just call the “FYI” email thread. Before I get into this let me just express how much I fucking hate being CC’d on emails that have nothing to do with me, and this happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It always starts out as something that Person A needs from Person B but feels like adding Persons C, D, F, R, J and myself for “our benefit”. However it quickly turns into a 1-on-1 conversation with follow-ups from Person B, additional comments from A, an “Oh gotcha!” email back from person B, and eventually ends with me sticking my open eyes under the Keurig coffee-maker.
Because of threads like these I about 70-100 emails a day, where roughly 5 of them require any action whatsoever from my end. Whenever I dare ask someone why the fuck they feel the need to CC me on everything, they always reply like the autobots they’ve become: “Just so you know what’s going on in case we need you to follow up with Person B!” They never need me to follow up with Person B. Person B doesn’t even know who I am.
But that’s all a luxurious Sunday blowie compared to the FYI email. The sender writes nothing but “FYI” in the body, referencing a 40-email long thread attached. It then becomes my job as cube monkey to sift through these things for clues and relevant info like I’m some kind of bureaucratic Sherlock Holmes. Whenever I get an FYI email I have to physically fight the urge to reply with an FYI emailreferencing 40 pictures of my ass and scrotum. FYI I hate you. Stop emailing me. I’d quit over this chicanery but I have no soul anymore. Hope this email serves as a reminder to you of how good you have it.
Carlos
Lets call a spade a spade – email is the worst thing to ever happen to the world of Cubicle Monkeys. Its the ultimate ball and chain. You’re always reachable. In the office. Out of the office. Weekdays, weekends. Morning, noon and night – you’re trapped in your virtual monkey cage. Getting CC’d and “looped in” all the fucking time. Can you imagine what life was like as a Cube Monkey before email started? What a fuckin walk in the park that would be. Nobody would ever know where you were. Nobody would ever really be able to figure out you’re a complete slacker. You’d have as little contact as possible with the people you hate.
But instead you have to sift through hundreds of pointless emails every single moment of your life. The worst part is theres only 2 types of emails – 1) Actual work emails that require you to do something, or 2) Complete and utter douchbaggery. I don’t know whats worse. On the one hand, real emails that require your action are a fucking disaster because it means you either fucked up or you’re being asked to do something you have no clue how to do. But the useless “Reply All” “FYI” “Just Looping You In” emails are the type of things that make you wanna burn the building to the ground. Its filled with all the people who have email signatures like “warm regards” or “thanks in advance” or “best.” They’re filled with Work Jokes – like when people send around the Van Damme Friday gif:
LOL bro! Its Van Damme Friday! Now get me the fuck off this email chain before I put your nose in your brain like its Bloodsport. They’re the emails sent at 10pm by the guy obsessed with Face Time at the office. Those always translate to “Just wanna let everyone know I’m still at work, so I’m providing a useless “status update” so I can send this email.” No matter what type of email you receive, its nothing more than an electronic reminder of everything you hate as a Cube Monkey.
But above all, the most aggravating part of work email, is a coworker asking you to be their Out of Office contact. “Hey do you mind if I put you as my out of office? I tied up most of my loose ends, you shouldn’t really hear from anyone.” Yea fucking right pal! You’re leaving at lunch on Thursday and taking Friday and Monday. I’m sure you’ll go 5 fucking days without anyone looking for you. For sure not. You’re basically asking me to do your job for you while you take a long weekend, and you’re asking me if I mind? Uhh, yea I fucking mind. I hate you.
but before the internet and email how would you slack? reading the new yorker on the toilet?
if only we could all make 22,500 as a junior blogger, writing from the couch in our undies…. sigh….
I hate when people tell me not to print out emails because it’s bad for the environment in green text in their signature.
leave the van damme gif out of this. that thing is perfect in every way. Do you, van damme!
how lazy and bitchy are the people who cant quickly click through an email that they don’t need to really read
Cubicle Chronicles are the only reason I get out bed on Tuesdays.
You’re right bc no other profession except cube monkey has to deal with e-mail. Teachers still write hand letters and construction workers send morse code through support beams. God I loathe these whiny cubicle stories, most likely from the same 24 year old bros making fun of OWS a few months back.
the absolute worst is when you try to email a colleague one on one to ask a question (something you should know and are afraid to ask your boss) and they reply back cc’ing your boss and/or the rest of your team. extra painful when they write at the bottom of the email “please make sure you keep the whole team copied on these types of emails so that everyone is in the loop.” Rookie mistakes that I made and had to learn the hard way.
TAB- Correction: The absolute worst is when you’re ALREADY fucked up and the response is “Guys, please just let me know if you have any other issues with this” which would have been a perfectly good response WITHOUT cc’ing your boss. How do you drink a beer with that guy? You can’t right?
A+
I reply with a RickRoll on most FYIs…usually takes care of the problem.
anybody know what stoolie bloggers actually make? $35k? $60k? probably some equity, but when pageviews cashes out they all get facebook’d and move back in (or continue to live) with the rents?
“First time long time” is a WFAN thing. AM 660. Truth.
I read somewhere between 1-5% of my work emails. The rest get sent down the shitter unopened. Sometimes I miss something but the few moments of awkardness I deal with when it becomes apparent to a colleague that I didn’t read a particular email are worth enduring in an effort to save my soul from reading through the garbage. But, I’m not really a cubicle monkey in the truest sense of the word. FYI.
“Copy the department once your finished with that” Last words to someone after every fucking meeting.
How about the people who think the world will end if they don’t have their email?
Some people did rough math from public records a while back (don’t remember where to find them, but they’ve been posted many times in past comment sections), I think the consensus was KFC makes around 45-50K. Not great, but definitely not too shabby.