Since you used to be a cube monkey like many of your readers, I thought you could she some light of the agony of the office birthday situations.
The awkwardness is off the charts. So in my office, you get randomly assigned someone else in the department and have to buy whatever they like food wise for the celebration to feed everyone. Today was my day and I had the name of some mammoth 55 year old bitch. She requested key lime pie. You got to be kidding me with that. So I have to go to some fucking bakery to find enough key lime pie for 20 people to eat on a Monday morning at 10am. Eating cake that early just brings out all the slobs and makes you realize how all these losers will be dead of a stroke before they can even cash in on their IRA. Of course only like 4 people like that shit an the rest of it goes home with the birthday sea monster. Am I’m out $35.
Then comes singing happy birthday to this fucker. Nothing makes me want to manually strangle someone at work more than having to sing happy birthday to someone that I could care less about and barely know their name.
Oh and signing a card is just awful. You always try to think of something to write other than “happy birthday stupid bitch that all I know about you is your daughter got knocked up at 16 and now you work from home twice a week while se gets a GED.”. You always just write your name and pass the stupid folder to the cube monkey next to you to sign.
It all sucks and now my week is ruined an I’m out $35 for a ritual that is easily one of the worst aspects of being a desk jockey.
This email right here is one of my favorite emails of all time. Its so genuine and passionate and accurate it took me right back to my miserable fucking life as a cube monkey. Which is important to me. This September will be my 1 year anniversary of getting out of cubicle life so I need reminders like this to help me always remember where I came from.
I can’t stand any of this shit. Birthday celebrations. Secret Santas. Going Away happy hours. Fuck ALL of that. No joke in my old office we used to have a dude who would sit at the head of a conference room and pretend to be Santa and everyone would have to go up to him and get their secret santa gift. Some people sat on his fucking lap. And then they’d open up their gift which was inevitably an iTunes gift card or a bottle of liquor and they’d crack some unfunny joke about getting drunk and everyone would laugh and I just wanted to blow my skull to smithereens. Every time I unwrapped my present I would secretly hope there was a dirty bomb in there and the whole room would explode.
Birthdays might be the worst though because you’re singled out. All eyes on you as someone cuts up a piece of cake that is 1 inch x 1 inch so theres enough for everyone. Everyone again makes the non funny jokes. And then people are like “So what are you doing for your birthday?” kind of intimating like “Where are we all going for happy hour?” Um, I’m going home to get shitfaced with my real life friends that I’m not forced to see every day at this God forsaken office. But you have fun hanging out with these work people because you don’t have a social life otherwise. Also I’m probably gonna fake sick and call out of work tomorrow morning so have fun picking up my slack.
PS – Key Lime Pie is easily the worst, cockiest and most inconsiderate choice of birthday cake when trying to please an office full of people. Take a fucking hike with that you selfish diabetic bitch. You’re getting a chocolate cake like everyone else.
Got a funny story/picture/video about your miserable existence as a Cubicle Monkey? Send it to KFC@barstoolsports.com to commiserate with me and the rest of the Stoolies.