Its the most miserable timmmeee, oofff theee yearrr! As great as the Holiday Season is, the Holiday Season at work is fucking awful. And the worst part of Christmas in the Cubes is the Office Secret Santa. Absolutely the most preposterous tradition a Cubicle Monkey has to endure. It always starts out the same – some office overachiever goes around and asks if you want to participate in Secret Santa. And obviously you can’t be a Scrooge about it. What you wanna say is “Fuck you, babe! I hope Santa leaves a bomb in my stocking this year so I can blow up and die and never come back to this office again.” But instead you say “Sure” and draw a name from a hat.

Oh great. Its the fat Indian girl three cubes down who barely speaks English and smells like a mixture of dirty diapers and vinegar. Can’t wait to spend my money on her. I’d rather draw the Orthodox Jewish Mom than her. You spend half your life dry heaving and throwing up in your mouth every time you smell her but now you gotta buy her a gift. What the fuck do you want, stinky? What I should do is march my ass down to Bath and Body Works and get you a whole array of body wash and perfume. What I want to do is get you a pair of those pine tree shaped car air fresheners to wear as earrings. What I really want to do is buy an entire box of nose plugs for you to regift to the rest of the office. Merry Christmas, smelly – your gift is that you can walk around stinking like a jock strap because the rest of the office is now plugged up. But you know what I’m going to do? Buy you a $10 iTunes gift card. Because I hate you and its anonymous and thats what everyone always does during the Office Secret Santa. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

I mean really how pathetic is the whole process of gathering around in a conference room and exchanging shitty gifts? I’ve mentioned this before, but in my former life as an accountant, one manager would sit in the front of the room and play “Santa” and people would sit on his lap and open their gifts. It was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen or heard outside of taking a shower in Happy Valley. Grown adults would sit on a grown man’s lap and open up their envelopes and fake being surprised at an iTunes card over and over and over. Occasionally a couple bottles of liquor gets mixed in there if you’re a lucky one. Not lucky because thats a nice gift. Lucky because maybe if you drink them fast enough you can die of alcohol poisoning. And by the end of the Secret Santa everyone has exchanged roughly 200 dollars total worth of gift cards that will never, ever, ever be redeemed. Its a real Christmas Miracle! Now if you’ll excuse me this was such a depressing and pathetic attempt to be friendly and festive I’m gonna go buy a menorah and convert to Judaism because as shitty as Hanukah is, its better than this garbage.