I can’t believe I haven’t gotten an email about this yet. Out of the zillions of Cubicle Chronicles emails I’ve gotten, nothing yet about sitting in front of your computer like a goddam asshole for hours on end completing mindless HR training. Stupid little online courses from like Glencoe McGraw Hill or some shit about sexual harassment and corporate diversity or business ethics. Questions like:

You are having thoughts about raping your Asian American coworker should you:

A) Rape her

B) Not rape her because she’s Asian and that would be racially insensitive

C) Not rape her because you should never rape anyone

D) Choices B) and C)

For fucking days and weeks on end. Of course you always leave all the training to the last minute. So there you are on like December 29th with about 3 hours of training under your belt and you need 117 more by the New Year. Mathematically impossible. So you try to rush through every quiz and every little fucking animation and case study and whatever the fuck else has all the answers you need. Just try to guess on 20 multiple choice questions hoping you pass. Literally just clicking letters because theres no fucking chance you read through the highlights of the new Sarbanes Oxley Act. Cross you fingers every time when you submit your test and you close one eye as it calculates your score. And when you fail with a 65% and you needed 70% and you need to start over you want to throw you fucking computer out the window and go rape the Asian American in the cube next door. I hope nobody watched the “webinar” on the appropriate “avenues” for “whistleblowing” on me and my plot to strap TNT to my chest and blow up this entire floor so that nobody has to take another online HR course ever again.

Fuck insider trading! Fuck corporate independence! Fuck workplace diversity and fuck the chick who dresses like a whore and sucks her way to the top but inevitably gets fired and sues for sexual harassment! Because of that dumb slut I’m stuck in front of my computer on Christmas Day answering questions about good touch bad touch and what I can and can’t say to office whores.