A tremendous topic that we’ve definitely touched upon but never really dove into. This one goes out to the real life Michael Scott’s of the world. The guy who says “You’re fired!” in the Trump voice every time you screw something up at work. The guy who think’s he’s being ironic by using quotes that are cliche but is still just being a played out dickhead.
Listen there’s a lot that sucks about going to work. The shitty commute, the long hours, low pay, bosses shitting on you, mindless monkey work. But all that shit is what you do to get a paycheck. Thats the agreement. But what you don’t realize you’re signing up for when you’re entering the corporate world is being constantly surrounded by people less funny than you who think they are the office comedians. Signing up to be around a herd of mindless idiots guffawing at lame PC jokes from the douchebags of the office. Thats the kind of shit that makes your soul slowly die. The moment you sit around some office party and have to fake smile and chuckle along with the rest of the office at the guy doing the Budweiser “WASSSSSSUPP” from 1999 is the moment you realize you’re a Cube Monkey and suicide is a better option. Here’s a list of other sayings/quotes/references that should be punishable by a punch directly to the face if ever said:
Thats What She Said - Probably the most popular one of the past few years. The Office is new enough that everyone knows it, but old enough that when you hear it you want to spit directly in the face of the person saying “Thats What She Said.”
Office Space Jokes - “Case of the Mondays” / “PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?” / “TPS Reports” / “My Stapler” – Here’s the thing about Office Space – its a hilarious movie. One of the funniest of all time. Hits the nail on the head when it comes to cube life. But the reason its so great is because its so real, it able to capture the genuine misery of life trapped in the cubes. So you quoting it nearly 15 years later isn’t really funny, its still just a reminder of how much life sucks.
The Jean Claude Van Damme Email Chain - Oh my. Its an email from my boss. Addressed to the entire team. The subject says “Happy Friday!” I wonder what it could be. I wonder what he came up with this week to try and remind everyone the weekend is almost here. Oh would you look at that its a .gif of Jean Claude Van Damme dancing and it says “Van Damme Friday!” again. Just like the first 50 million Fridays I’ve worked here. He’s been sending it out since email was invented and Kickboxer was in the theaters but maybe this will be the Friday its funny
“Very Niiiiice” in the Borat Voice – The thing about this quote is not only was Borat 7 years ago, but the guys trying to do the impression almost never know how to do the voice right. So they are just groaning in your face like an idiot. Wouldn’t have been funny if you could do Borat, guy. Certainly isn’t when you suck at it.
I’m Rick James Bitch! - This may not even be specifically related to Cube Life. Just people in general who pick this quote out of all the Chappelle’s Show quotes to throw out there. Awful.
Git Er Done - From Larry The Cable Guy. I don’t expect this one to be very prevalent. But I used to work with a guy who would say this every time we discussed a project or a dead line. Wasn’t ever funny. Definitely is not funny when its not coming from a fat red neck.
Honorable mentions: Game show quotes. “You are the Weakest Link, Goodbye,” anything “Final Answer” related from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and “Voting you off the island” from Survivor
Email me KFC@barstoolsports.com or tweet me @KFCBarstool with stories or topics from your life as a Cube Monkey