Cubicle Chronicles – Take Your Kid To Work Day
KFC,
By far the worst, most insufferable, and pointless office tradition of all is “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Sure, the office birthday parties and goodbye happy hours are terrible, but at least you get some cake and beer out of it. With Take Your Child to Work Day, all you get are a bunch of miserable spoiled brats running around like they own the place, and there’s nothing you can do about it because your boss has been outside his office more on this one day than he has been in a month, parading his brat around like she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Are there no rules on this most awful of days of the year? Is there some unwritten rule I don’t know about where it is proper etiquette to let your kid run around an office like it’s a fuckin’ jungle gym — screaming, bouncing balls in the hall, stopping in your doorway and just staring at you work?
The absolute WORST of all of this is having to pretend you give a shit and are interested in your boss’ dipshit kid’s accomplishments when your boss inevitably stops by your cube, “Hey, have you met Billy? His team just won the fourth grade basketball tournament” (a true quote I once got from my boss). Fuck you, you little bitch. I could care less. I could beat your entire basketball team singlehandedly. Just because your daddy is a partner doesn’t mean your shit don’t stink. It’s bad enough that you have to work with these people every day of your pathetic cube monkey life, but on this day, you have to deal with miniature versions of the very people you hate more than anything.
If your old office participated in this most asanine of traditions, you know exactly where I’m coming from, and have probably thought of the Top 10 ways to kills yourself while at work, as I have.
This is my hell,
Justin
I talked about this on the last episode of KFCRadio. Take Your Child To Work Day is absolutely one of the worst moments of a Cubicle Monkey’s year because it really tests the boundaries of acceptable human behavior. Every single waking second you’re at work, you’re one annoying moment away from a murder/suicide. The littlest thing can send you into a fit of rage. Printer being jammed. Office douche making the “I didn’t get the memo” joke. Boss asking “working hard or hardly working?” If all of these little moments of cube misery might push you over the edge, how the fuck are you supposed to play babysitter for the day without a MurderDeathKill?
How the fuck am I supposed to react when my manager brings her kid by my cube because she’s drawn me some piece of shit picture? Hey little girl, thanks for this fucking awful drawing. I can’t even tell what animal thats supposed to be. Whats that? Its a dog? Dogs don’t have wings you stupid motherfucker. I feel like Maddox from the Best Page In The Universe when I look at that garbage. But of course you can’t react that way because its a 7 year old girl and your manager is looming over your cube watching you. So you grin and bear it and let them play with all the shit on your desk and distract you from G Chatting and all the other things that keep you sane. Hard to place Guess That Ass or creep on Facebook with a 2nd grader in your cube. Makes you wanna grab them by the face and explain that their parent is the anti-Christ. Hey Suzie you love your Daddy so much? Well guess what? There are about 30 people on this floor that plot specific ways to murder your dad and get away with it. I personally hope he dies in a fire. Can you draw me a picture of that? Draw me a picture of Daddy perishing in a pit of fire and I’ll hang that up right in the middle of my cube.
Cube Life is hard enough when you’re not playing Mary Poppins. So leave your goddam kids at home with the nanny and let me get back to rotting away in peace.
Nobody and I mean nobody listens to KFCRadio. And if you have, you are a fucking asshole. No if”s, and’s or but’s about it. You should just give up at your life, do everyone a favor and jump off the tallest building
i’m onto iambetterthanyourkids.com. much much funnier than anything posted on the stool. you guys should hire that guy. he can’t be worse than strasser or neil
Bring Your Child to Work Day is an abomination. Justin hit on EXACTLY the worst part; your fat boss acting like his stupid kid is special in some way. Your kid sucks, just like you do dude, and the only reason you’re CEO of this place is because your fucking daddy was on the Board. Your kid will be the same lackluster, creatively-bereft fucktard that you are. There is no room for kids at the workplace, period. Side Note: My new least-favorite corp-speak term is “Talk Track.” E.G. “In the new deck (translation: PowerPoint) we need to refine our talk-track around the value-add piece.”
Take your kid to work day was a lot different when I worked at Penn State
This is the worst thing about cubicle life by far. All I can think when kids are running around in the office is that I’m going to turn a corner and knee one in the head, killing it instantly.
I will never, ever bring.my kids to the office because I want them to continue to hold some level of respect for me. That obviously can’t happen if they realize I spend every day in a little box being hounded by grand cunts of every variety and being told what to by a spineless prick who, by his own admission, is afraid of his own wife.
Mary Poppins…best ever.
At my old job, one of my co-workers brought her 5 year old in every once in a while, but she usually just sat there and colored or something so it wasn’t an issue. But I think that’s an anomaly. Having tons of little kids running around in the workplace must be a nightmare. “Daddy why does Mr. Johnson keep spitting into that coffee cup? It’s gross!”
@mjp: You’re talking about Maddox. I used to love his writing, but the dude literally hasn’t been funny since 2004.