The common bathroom has to be one of the most aggravating parts of the office. It takes the one place a man can be alone with his thoughts, and absolutely ruins it. It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone approached it like a sane human being, but there are just some people that like to watch the world burn, for instance:
The AM Shitter
Nobody knows who this guy is, but he must be the angriest person in the office. Just shows up first thing in the morning and unleashes hell on the bathroom, just so everyone can suffer as much as him for the rest of day. He must live on a healthy diet of Taco Bell and a half keg of beer, just so he can come in and drop a deuce like an adolescent horse as a good morning fuck you to everyone in the office. He has to be doing this on purpose right? Nobody can consistently be that awful. Almost have to admire his dedication.
The Shy Guy Stealing Your Stall
This guy always seems to get in to the bathroom right before you. You might even hold the door for him as you both walk in. It always seems to happen when you need to step away from your laptop before you smash it over the “case of the Mondays?” guy’s head, since your vlookup formula produces nothing but “#N/A”. Then he makes his little maneuver into the last open stall, and starts pissing like a camel, while my clenched asshole plays the role of Play-Doh extruder. You know you check that the feet are facing forward to make sure. Probably pisses on the seat just for good measure; might even be the AM Shitter. We even have those splash guard walls between urinals in case someone had an overzealous “wake and shake” and is pissing sideways all morning. Just no excuse.
The Not Shy Guy
This guy loves to stand right next to you at the urinal when every other one is perfectly open. He is usually from one of those packed ass countries like China or India where there is no sense of personal space. As I mentioned before, we have the splash guards but there is still no reason for it. I have half a mind to make eye contact with him and say “nice dick bro”. That’s the kind for awkwardness that can forge a strong understanding. Problem is, if that backfires, could do more harm than good.
The Double Parker
This guy is just the most inconsiderate asshole around. It’s not even that he means to be. I hate him purely because of his naivety. He loves to stand two urinals down from the guy originally pissing, so that no matter what, you end up being the “Not shy guy”. He could easily have taken the middle stall and left adequate room for the one urinal buffer, but instead ole barrel ass decides to pull this shit. Makes you want to kick him in the ass as he flushes so that it looks like he pissed himself.
P.S. Anyone who is fastening their belt or zipping their fly as they walk out of the bathroom did not wash their hands. Just something to think about next time someone is cutting the birthday cake.
Thank you for your cubicle chronicles. Knowing there are other people out there suffering makes this life somehow more tolerable.
The topic of the office bathroom has most certainly been addressed before on Barstool New York. But not since the newly invigorated Cubicle Chronicles have we discussed it. Really, when you think about it, the office bathroom may symbolically be the worst part of work. Like when you break it down to its most basic form, you basically realize you cannot even shit in peace at work. You can’t even escape to a moment of peace and solitude because the communal bathroom is either crowded or loud or polluted with the putrid smells of other people’s excrement. Yet, despite all of that, its still your safe haven. Its the one place you can escape from your desk, close a door, and read some Barstool or play a game on your phone. Its quite a paradox. Its symbolic of how trapped you are, yet your only place of freedom. A room full of people with their pants around their ankles with shit pouring out of their assholes just happy that their boss can’t see them for the next 10 minutes.
Angry CPA hit upon a few of the intricacies of the Common Bathroom. Urinal Etiquette. Pissing in a stall instead of a urinal. Horrible Shit Suspects. But there are an infinite amount more. I personally, despite my entire existence of not giving a fuck, was a very self conscious work shitter. Like if I walked into the bathroom to take a shit and a coworker walked in with me or was already in there at the time, I’d pretend to piss at the urinal, take a lap around the floor with my butt cheeks clenched, and go back to take a dump once they were gone. Part of it was paranoia, part of it was also like – listen, I know everyone at work already hates me. I’m a slacker, I’m rude, I’m on the verge of being fired. The last thing I need is for my manager to also know that I napalm the fuck out of the toiler bowl every morning.
Or, if it was a real emergency and I just had to hit the stall despite my coworkers seeing me go in there, I would try to wait until someone else’s toilet flushed to release my shit. I didn’t want people hearing the splatter or the farts. Almost like in Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne waits for thunder during the rain storm before he hit the pipe with the rocks while making his escape. You know how much focus it took to take a shit strategically based around the random flushing of other toilets? I know – totally crazy. But this is the shit that goes on in the Common Bathroom of the Cube Monkeys. Your brain gets warped and your asshole pays the price.
Email KFC@barstoolsports.com with pictures, stories, and observations about your miserable existence at work as a Cubicle Monkey