What’s up KFC,
The Commute. I’ve done it all, the two hour NJ Transit train ride from the shore, the NYC Subway, the PATH, and now the Bus. No matter what your mode, it is hell on earth. Us cubicle monkeys are a very simple kind and we only ask of a couple of things from our commute. Peace & Quiet, Air Conditioning, Space, and Reliability. But apparently that is too much to ask for:
Peace & Quiet; Not talking loudly to the person next to you, and especially not on the phone has got to be the most basic sense of human decency. But there is almost always that person that is just yammering on and on about how they can’t believe Sha-fteva went with that weave. “Girl, did you see her hair? O my Gauuud!” And God forbid I ask her to keep it down. I’m really not trying to get stabbed in the eye. I’m already about to have my soul ripped from my body the second I sit down at work, at least let me keep my body on the way to work. Talking loudly is obnoxious, but I think the most obnoxious thing one can do is play music from there iPhone without headphones. I don’t need to hear Three 6 Mafia’s latest at 7 am.
Air Conditioning; being on a subway car or bus with no air-conditioning after I just spent 30 minutes in 90 degree heat waiting at the station is Dante’s 6th circle of hell. Look it up. It’s bad enough I’ve got to wear a long-sleeve button down and tie/noose on a hot day, now I’ve got beads of sweat trickling down my ass crack, showing through my back and arm pits, and dripping off my chin like I’m Patrick Ewing about to take a free throw. Sometimes I just wish the Lincoln tunnel would open up just so I’d have about 3 seconds of relief before drowning.
Space; If your fat ass is taking up two seats, you need to leave for work after rush hour. Or die. The rage of thousand burning suns rises up in me when I have to stand for 45 minutes because Humpty Dumpty thought it would be a nice day to go see the Empire State Building.
Reliability; I don’t see the lights coming, its 90 degrees on this platform, no announcement has been made, and if I show up late to work one more time, I’m canned. That’s when you start getting that nauseous sinking feeling in your stomach. NJ Transit, in my opinion, with the Path a close second, are the absolute worst when it comes to being on time. When I hear the excuse that there is traffic up ahead, I want to explode. How is traffic on the tracks possible?? Like too many rats and homeless people have congested the tracks?
I’m pretty sure all of the office shootings that happen always follow the same pattern. “Well Chip was always nice, but that one really hot Monday, his train was delayed by an hour, there was a fat disgusting black chick taking up two seats blasting her music and screaming to her friend why Lastings ain’t paying child support. Could’ve happened to any of us.”
When you think about it, commuting to work is probably the most pathetic thing about Cubicle life. Its the worst thing in the entire world, and the end goal is to be able to show up to do the other worst thing in the entire world. How sad is that? People willingly sweat their balls off packed ass to dick on various forms of mass transit, fighting through ill mannered Asians, overweight slobs, panhandling homeless and loud mouth assholes, all so that they can get to their least favorite place on earth. Thats truly sickening.
People always ask me what my favorite part of getting out of the rat race was, and it is HANDS DOWN not having to commute. Truth be told I probably work harder now that I’m doing the blog full time than I did as a Cube Monkey. When I was an accountant there were days I could literally sit at my desk for 8 hours and not do anything. But no matter what, there was no escaping commuting there and back. Adding an extra hour or 2 on either end of your day. Packed like sardines with some of the worst people on earth. Being able to wake up every day knowing you don’t have to trudge through the rain, heat, or snow with the other pathetic lemmings of New York City offers more peace of mind than I ever imagined possible.
PS – “Train traffic” truly is the most infuriating thing a Cubicle Commuter can experience. But so is “being held momentarily by the train dispatcher. Please be patient.” Fuck you, train dispatcher! Fuck patience! I’ve got pit stains and swamp ass and some dude’s dreadlocks are stuffed in my mouth because there’s 800 people on here and its only 7:30. Figure your shit out!