Cubicle Chronicles – The Donation/Fundraiser Assholes
KFC,
Pretty sure we haven’t yet touched on this particular aspect of monkeydom, but it needs addressing. The people sending a company wide email to inform you all that they’re running a 5k, 10k, half-marathon, bike race, soggy cookie relay, or some other shit for leukemia, aids, super aids, tummy aches, dead cats, or diabetes. Look, I have no problem donating to a charity, I just have an issue donating to you. Fuck you.. we’re not friends, we don’t even ever talk, why am I going to give a cent to you… The other hilarious part about it, is that 80% of the “racers” are usually the fat chicks that otherwise NEVER exercise and I would bet the entire amount they raised that they walk the whole damn thing, if they even finish. Fatty’s “running” half-marathons… yeh right. The other 20% are usually really hot chicks that know dudes will give them money because they put a nice little picture of themselves on their donation page of them in some lululemon pants and a tight ass top and get the dudes of the office to think that giving them money will give them a shot..The lack of obesity doesn’t make it less annoying.
Anyway, curious of your thoughts on these “for a cause” scumbags…viva.
Todd
Its been awhile since we’ve delved into the Cubes. We covered so many of the best and most miserable topics of corporate life and the email submissions from Stoolies dried up, so we haven’t had a Cubicle Chronicles in like a month. But anyone who listened to today’s KFCRadio heard one of the most ridiculous Cube Monkey moments of all time – the boss complaining about a monkey’s single Windsor tie knot instead of the double – and it inspired me. So X out of Excel for a moment, Monkeys. Lets commiserate about your shitty lives.
The coworker asking for donations for a marathon is a triple whammy of the worst people on the planet. 1) Its your coworker. Nobody likes their coworkers because they are a constant reminder of your miserable life trapped in a cage. 2) The beggar. Nobody likes anybody asking for money. Whether its the bum on the street or the charity who cold calls you or the person running a marathon. 3) They’re running some sort of marathon. The attention starved asshole who’s clearly running a 5k or 10k or marathon or triathlon or fucking whatever just so they can post pictures of themselves on facebook wrapped up in tinfoil drinking a beer after they cross the finish line. Not even kidding that might be the 3 worst traits any human can have. And don’t think I’m fooled by you saying its all in the name of leukemia or some shit. You don’t give a shit about leukemia. You care about running your stupid race. So I ain’t gonna feel guilty about it because I know you don’t really care one way or the other.
The best is when it comes from your boss or manager who was chewing you out like 5 minutes earlier. Some broad who is knowingly ruining your day/week/life then turns around with a completely generic email template asking for your money. Fuck you, fuck your race, and fuck diabeetus! Shit ain’t even that bad of a disease.
Lets get Cubicle Chronicles back on track. Haven’t gotten any good submissions other than this in a while. Email KFC@barstoolsports.com with your best/worst moments as a Cube Monkey trapped in your cage at work.
i like turtles..
I always laugh at the scene in “Forrest Gump” when he’s running across the country and all the reporters are asking him why he’s doing it, and one actually asks him if he’s doing it for women’s rights.
i laugh every time someone pronounces it diabeetus. its pretty common down here in the south, too
When I have my headphones on and the motherfucker over the wall tries to talk my ear off…I either cant hear u or am pretending to not hear u.
dumb blog. if you dont like it, don’t donate. delete the email and it’s over. there are worse people in the office than the ones who are trying to raise money for charity…… like the guy who walks into the bathroom when youre alone, trying to have one fucking minute of peace, and sits in the stall beside you and just blasts away.
^fuck this guy. i don’t negotiate with charity terrorists, especially when they’re just going to walk half the marathon before stopping at tcby
Obviously tomcaronsgoatee’s runs races for charity. Asshole.
Getting the 3:00 nods is the worst
I didn’t read it because you didn’t include the clip from The Office with Michael donating to gay Oscar.
In a similar light, but not quite as bad: girl scout cookies. Don’t get me wrong, everyone loves a thin mint. But when after every single person comes by selling for their daughter and you’re 50 boxes deep, all of a sudden you’re down a months rent. Want me to buy more cookies from your kid? Give me a raise. Don’t even get me started when the actual kids come in and try to guilt you out of a few more boxes or rolls of wrapping paper.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX1cX9sxygA
Had a moment today where waiting for the elevator two fat chicks where talking and one goes “yeah but then my sneakers REEK!”. Get on the elevator and then they start talking about how they are going to the gym later tonight. Took a lot not to burst out laughing.
@Numero Two: I’ll bet they’re the type who eat salads loaded with dressing for lunch every day and winder why they can’t lose weight. I’ll bet they also like to give out diet advice to skinny people. I’ve had to deal with broads like that…they’re the worst.
You know what worse than these people are the co-workers who actually donate to this shit and then try to make you feel bad for not donating. “Hey were all on the list I see a few names missing here”.
I only donate to the human fund
how about the one who sells marked up shitty jewelry and expects people to buy that shit, so she can get some of that shitty jewelry cheaper
How about the asshole boss who gets all the PR and recognition for forcing every person to donate, gets his picture in the local paper, and is called a community leader…. and pretends he is doing because he really cares about a cause. Bullshit.
Hunger Walk. Why can’t those homeless assholes walk? They got nothing else to do? Why do I need to feed people who are just sitting around waiting for a handout? WHy aren’t they walking also? Want a month of free meals? Walk 20 miles and shutup about it.