Pretty sure we haven’t yet touched on this particular aspect of monkeydom, but it needs addressing. The people sending a company wide email to inform you all that they’re running a 5k, 10k, half-marathon, bike race, soggy cookie relay, or some other shit for leukemia, aids, super aids, tummy aches, dead cats, or diabetes. Look, I have no problem donating to a charity, I just have an issue donating to you. Fuck you.. we’re not friends, we don’t even ever talk, why am I going to give a cent to you… The other hilarious part about it, is that 80% of the “racers” are usually the fat chicks that otherwise NEVER exercise and I would bet the entire amount they raised that they walk the whole damn thing, if they even finish. Fatty’s “running” half-marathons… yeh right. The other 20% are usually really hot chicks that know dudes will give them money because they put a nice little picture of themselves on their donation page of them in some lululemon pants and a tight ass top and get the dudes of the office to think that giving them money will give them a shot..The lack of obesity doesn’t make it less annoying.
Anyway, curious of your thoughts on these “for a cause” scumbags…viva.
Its been awhile since we’ve delved into the Cubes. We covered so many of the best and most miserable topics of corporate life and the email submissions from Stoolies dried up, so we haven’t had a Cubicle Chronicles in like a month. But anyone who listened to today’s KFCRadio heard one of the most ridiculous Cube Monkey moments of all time – the boss complaining about a monkey’s single Windsor tie knot instead of the double – and it inspired me. So X out of Excel for a moment, Monkeys. Lets commiserate about your shitty lives.
The coworker asking for donations for a marathon is a triple whammy of the worst people on the planet. 1) Its your coworker. Nobody likes their coworkers because they are a constant reminder of your miserable life trapped in a cage. 2) The beggar. Nobody likes anybody asking for money. Whether its the bum on the street or the charity who cold calls you or the person running a marathon. 3) They’re running some sort of marathon. The attention starved asshole who’s clearly running a 5k or 10k or marathon or triathlon or fucking whatever just so they can post pictures of themselves on facebook wrapped up in tinfoil drinking a beer after they cross the finish line. Not even kidding that might be the 3 worst traits any human can have. And don’t think I’m fooled by you saying its all in the name of leukemia or some shit. You don’t give a shit about leukemia. You care about running your stupid race. So I ain’t gonna feel guilty about it because I know you don’t really care one way or the other.
The best is when it comes from your boss or manager who was chewing you out like 5 minutes earlier. Some broad who is knowingly ruining your day/week/life then turns around with a completely generic email template asking for your money. Fuck you, fuck your race, and fuck diabeetus! Shit ain’t even that bad of a disease.
Lets get Cubicle Chronicles back on track. Haven’t gotten any good submissions other than this in a while. Email KFC@barstoolsports.com with your best/worst moments as a Cube Monkey trapped in your cage at work.