KFC,

There might not be any worse type of humor on the face of this earth than office elevator humor. Not only are the jokes/puns miserable, the worst part is seeing your co-workers succumb to laughing or even worse making the joke. I believe once you find yourself even reacting with a smile to some corny elevator joke, you have officially become a cubicle monkey. If by chance, you ever find yourself cracking an elevator joke, well you just got promoted to Cubicle Monkey Ring Leader. Here three examples of elevator humor:

3. “Who let this guy on” – This jokes always come from a co-worker you barely know but who loves to get a rise out of the crowd like he’s the company’s Chris Rock. The joke can come in many forms – “Who let his troublemaker on”, “Darn, couldn’t close the doors fast enough”, “Ooh man, everybody watch out for this guy”, but literally zero of them actually make any sense or have any legitimate reasoning behind it.

2. “Anyone for floor #” – This happens when a bunch of people hop on an elevator and press all the different floors but one. Some smartass next to the buttons will call out the one floor missed as its some big joke, “Anyone for floor 10?”. Somehow this dumb question receives chuckles and praise from the rest of the corporate sheep. I literally saw some guy, smile after saying it like he made the funniest joke ever or in his head he realized that “I just made one of the worst jokes of all time, my life has hit rock bottom”

1. By far the most common joke in elevator humor history, the Local vs Express Joke. I literally cringe everrytime I hear this and by god, I am terrified that one day, my cringe will turn into a chuckle.  Yes, just because a few people from different floors hop onto an elevator, it doesn’t mean that it deserves a comedy hour. Work sucks, no one wants to be here and accept the fact that your elevator ride is now a whole 30 sec longer than usual so just proceed with your day.

I know there is a ton more jokes but right now I have to get back to earning my bananas

-Rob

The Office Elevator is as close to hell on earth as I can possibly imagine. It essentially takes every awful piece of Cube Monkey existence and crams it into a slow moving death box. Think about all the different possible disasters that can happen on the office elevator. You can hop on with the self proclaimed office comedian like Rob described and you gotta listen to his bullshit jokes for 2 and a half minutes while you hit every single floor. You could get stuck with the fat Indian girl who just microwaved curry and now you’re slowly rising through 20 stories of a skyscraper inside a hot box that might as well be the back of a garbage truck. Your manager or boss might get on with you and then you’ve got to straighten up, pretend you’re not hungover, and pray to God she doesn’t ask you any questions about anything because you clearly don’t know the fucking answer.

Its straight Russian Roulette. Its hot. Its claustrophobic. And you’re packed ass to dick with your least favorite people on earth. Every time you jump on the elevator you’re risking your mental and emotional sanity for the next 120 seconds. When I was a Cube Money I worked on the 15th Floor, which was the top of one elevator bank. Had I worked on the 16th floor, I woulda been in the second batch of cars and I would have got an “express” trip every day. But instead I was last stop on “the local.” I was looking at an average of like 7 stops every time I rode that motherfucker. There were times I’d wish someone cut the cable and let me plummet to my death rather than stop at one more floor. And I swear to you, the mornings where I was able to sneak into one car all by myself and shoot right up to 15 was one of the biggest small victories of my life. Right up there with when you have to call someone you really don’t wanna talk to and it goes to voicemail. Those moments when the elevator doors close and you’re alone and when you’re on your 5th ring going “don’t pick up, don’t pick up” and it goes to voicemail are 2 of the best feelings on earth. I had 20 seconds of complete peace and quiet. No fake work friends making small talk. No managers asking me about work. No stupid work jokes. No excel spreadsheets 6 inches from my face. I’d usually rip a fart, smell my own scent, and smile. Then the door would open and my dream would turn back into a nightmare.

PS – Love the elevators that don’t have a 13th floor. Yea, thats gonna make a difference.

PPS – The “Close Door” button is the biggest scam in the history of modern civilization.