Is there a more worthless group of clowns than the IT Department? I bet you half the people in IT don’t even know what IT stands for. Their entire existence is sitting in their dark IT dungeons with their fingers crossed and their thumbs up their asses praying that nobody calls them up asking them to do their jobs. And then when someone does have a technology problem, they’re immediately annoyed and just start transferring you to another person who undoubtedly has no idea how to fix your problem either.

It usually starts out by calling some sort of “Help Desk” also known as “calling someone in fucking India.” They pick up with this incredibly thick Indian accent and are usually like “Hello Mr. Clancy, My name is Frank and I’ll be assisting you today. How are things in New York? Did the Yankees score a touchdown last night?” Hey Slumdog I know your name is really Sanjaygupta. I know you’re on the other side of the world, and don’t know a goddam thing about America. I also know you probably don’t know a goddam thing about how to fix my computer problem since you’re the first line of defense. So lets cut the small talk, and how about you transfer me to the next person you were inevitably gonna transfer me to no matter what problem I described to you?

So then you listen to Michael Bolton or Kenny G or if your company is trying to be hip, the Black Eyed Peas, while you’re on hold. The next person to pick up is a chick. Good fucking luck with that. When was the last time chicks knew how to use computers? The next time that happens will be the first. I re-explain my entire problem knowing with absolute certainty this chick has no clue how to work anything electronic. I could have explained a problem with my toaster and she wouldn’t have known the difference. She asks me if I’ve tried restarting my computer and for a split second I contemplate sticking my tongue directly into the electrical socket under my desk so that I can die and be done with this mess. I explain that yes, I’ve tried restarting it because thats what everyone on the  fucking planet earth does when they first have a computer problem, and she tells me she needs to transfer me.

At this point you’re praying for an Asian dude or the nerdy white guy who was probably in the A/V club at school. Those are about the only two people you know have more knowledge than yourself or a coworker when it comes to computers. But of course LaMar picks up.  He’s probably busy on the other end of the phone watching World Star videos and tweeting about whats trending on twitter as you explain your problem for the 3rd time. If you’re patient enough after that you’ll hold again. Maybe once or twice more. Inevitably they give you a “ticket number” and say they will call you back when they have figured it out. Yea, I’ll be waiting by my phone for you to call back with my ticket number and a solution. For sure not. Has that ever happened in the history of existence? Some low level IT dude voluntarily calls you to re-initiate the whole troubleshooting process? Never.

And then you realize, it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter that Excel keeps freezing or your Outlook won’t refresh or you don’t have internet. You provide the same value to the company whether you have a functioning computer or a broken one. You realize that the value you add is zero. You realize that you’re as important to the company as the 4 IT idiots you just berated. You realize you’re all Cubicle Monkeys one way or the other, and that eventually you’re all going to die.