The office birthday is a miserable experience. No doubt about it. An office birthday will ruin your week, but the office baby shower? That is true suffering.
15 to 20 women gathered around a shitty folding table stuffing their already fat faces with buffalo chicken dip while some disgustingly pregnant woman holds up neutral colored infant sized clothing (because the dumb bougie broad doesn’t want to know the sex) and a ten thousand pack of pampers. By the time the third round of “awwwww”s erupt from the herd, you will be searching your desk for a pack of tacks to swallow.
And the baby shower diaper cake? Did I see the diaper cake Deborah made? Yes, I saw the stupid fucking diaper cake and I thought about burning down the office.
One time they had a baby shower for a MALE in the office. A male. That was the darkest day of my life.
We addressed the Office Birthday last week, but Office Baby Showers just takes it to a whole nother level. Now I’m just gonna give one line and weigh in on this – if you aren’t coming up with an excuse to get out of the office baby shower, or you aren’t just blatantly blowing that off, you are a pushover to the max. Just straight up don’t go to that.
But anyway, the real reason I post these cubicle emails is because they are hands down the best reader emails I receive. I think of them almost as guest blogs. “And the baby shower diaper cake? Did I see the diaper cake Deborah made? Yes, I saw the stupid fucking diaper cake and I thought about burning down the office.” Thats fucking gold. Like I’d say 99 out of 100 emails from Stoolies are just like “Hey KFC your a faggot. How have you not blogged about this video yet? Your welcome.” And then they attach the video of the I Love Turtles kid or another youtube that has like 50 million views. But the Cube Monkeys rants – they have passion. They’re so on point. They come from the heart. Swallowing tacks, burning down the office. The gender neutral colors. Those details can’t be made up. Thats coming from the heart of a true lemming who’s soul has been crushed. Consider this your catharsis Dave.
I got flooded with emails from cube monkeys after starting up Cubicle Chronicles. Some serious gems in there. Keep emailing me about your miserable existence in the corporate world and we’ll make it a weekly feature if they’re good. KFC@Barstoolsports.com