Cubicle Chronicles – The Office Baby Shower
KFC,
The office birthday is a miserable experience. No doubt about it. An office birthday will ruin your week, but the office baby shower? That is true suffering.
15 to 20 women gathered around a shitty folding table stuffing their already fat faces with buffalo chicken dip while some disgustingly pregnant woman holds up neutral colored infant sized clothing (because the dumb bougie broad doesn’t want to know the sex) and a ten thousand pack of pampers. By the time the third round of “awwwww”s erupt from the herd, you will be searching your desk for a pack of tacks to swallow.
And the baby shower diaper cake? Did I see the diaper cake Deborah made? Yes, I saw the stupid fucking diaper cake and I thought about burning down the office.
One time they had a baby shower for a MALE in the office. A male. That was the darkest day of my life.
Best,
Dave
We addressed the Office Birthday last week, but Office Baby Showers just takes it to a whole nother level. Now I’m just gonna give one line and weigh in on this – if you aren’t coming up with an excuse to get out of the office baby shower, or you aren’t just blatantly blowing that off, you are a pushover to the max. Just straight up don’t go to that.
But anyway, the real reason I post these cubicle emails is because they are hands down the best reader emails I receive. I think of them almost as guest blogs. “And the baby shower diaper cake? Did I see the diaper cake Deborah made? Yes, I saw the stupid fucking diaper cake and I thought about burning down the office.” Thats fucking gold. Like I’d say 99 out of 100 emails from Stoolies are just like “Hey KFC your a faggot. How have you not blogged about this video yet? Your welcome.” And then they attach the video of the I Love Turtles kid or another youtube that has like 50 million views. But the Cube Monkeys rants – they have passion. They’re so on point. They come from the heart. Swallowing tacks, burning down the office. The gender neutral colors. Those details can’t be made up. Thats coming from the heart of a true lemming who’s soul has been crushed. Consider this your catharsis Dave.
I got flooded with emails from cube monkeys after starting up Cubicle Chronicles. Some serious gems in there. Keep emailing me about your miserable existence in the corporate world and we’ll make it a weekly feature if they’re good. KFC@Barstoolsports.com
I can’t wait for the Chronicles about how female works always think their female coworkers are “trying to destroy them”
Ugh, I have to avoid one of these at least every other month it feels like and they are always on Fridays when I am trying to get everything done and sneak out early, and some damn woman has to come into my office after its over and ask “So why couldn’t you make it to Lauren’s baby shower? Everyone was there. Did you not know about it?” to which I usually reply “O yea, I must have just forgotten, plus I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s baby or ability to have a baby.”
sign dave up,, that shit was the funniest blog on here in months
coworkers who breathe into the mic during conf calls
Weekly feature? These should be daily. This was today’s second best blog on the entire empire after portnoy’s ad rant
na its a fucking dumb idea. keep sourcing your content from Daily Mail and Brobible. “cubicle chronicles” will be as successful as “singled out” – if you recall, el pres refinanced the mortgage on his 1 bedroom condo to rent out a dive bar and have that little whore Sara Underwood show up in volleyball shorts for 2 hours and attendance didnt even hit double digits. i know that cubicle chronicles doesnt require the same cash investment but you can save some face by cutting it out of your routine now before the stoolies force you to.
i would send you one but i take out my aggression in the comment section
ok im not one to say ban a person, since i never liked getting banned twice before, but i fucking hate this brougheerty for real, like i want him to legit get fucking shot in the head and then ran over by a fucking bus
for some mysterious reason, they always conflict with my sick days and vacay days.
People that respond to reminders sent to entire office (“thanks” or “I’ll see everyone then”) instead of just taking in the information and deleting the email. Once one person does it, others always follow.
Yo KFC how do you not mention the stoolies signature. Motherfucker signed it “Best…….” fucking BEST
Firstlady, thank you for pointing out the absolutely brutal signature. Great story, terrible sig
@johnnybegood — how about the asshole who responds to everyone on a group email with “please don’t hit reply all on your emails”….. that always baffles me….
My biggest pet peeve is when office workers whine about having to the jobs they get paid for…. “waaah….. I got 20 invoices to process today”…. Listen you little lazy cunt, be grateful you have dozens of an invoices a day to process, because if you didn’t you wouldn’t have a fucking job. And office workers essentially have to do three things
1. Make phone calls
2. Read email and documents
3. Type emails and documents.
The whole you are sitting in a comfortable egronomic office chair, you got facebook in one window, barstool in another, so spare the FMLs on facebook you whiny pieces of shit!
@brougherty — just because you are fucking moron who couldn’t get hired anywhere but that shithole shelf stocking job you got, don’t hate on people who work in an office.