Its Tuesday Cubeday on a Thursday, bitches! People keep asking me where Cubicle Chronicles have gone. Its not that I wanna stop doing them, its just that I did one a week for like 6 months and a lot of the great Cubicle topics have been covered. I’m only gonna blog it when I get a great email or tweet inspiring a good enough blog post. So if you want regular Cubicle Chronicles you gotta email me and give me something to work with.
The Office Fire Drill is quite possibly the single most ridiculous event that can occur in the Cube World. I can’t believe I haven’t written about it before. Its like for 20 minutes an entire office floor of adults reverts back to 9 year olds in elementary school. First thing’s first – you’re an idiot if you don’t plan on being away from your desk during the drill. Usually there’s a flyer in the elevator or taped to the doors somewhere telling you when the drill will be. I secretly think this is management’s way of warning you “If there was ever a time for the creepy guy to shoot up the entire office when they are crammed into one small location, it would be during today’s fire drill at 11am. Make sure you get an early lunch or a late breakfast.”
But if you’re a rookie or you “miss the memo” and you’re stuck in the fire drill you witness one of the most awkward scenes in Cubicle Monkey existence. Everyone crams into a tiny hallway or elevator bank for a rundown of how to survive a fire. Ironically most Cubicle Monkeys would probably rather just sit at their desk and go up in flames to escape their miserable lives. But regardless some sort of fire chief/security guard/retired cop gives his whole spiel. This guy is absolutely the biggest hardo in the history of hardos. He’s convinced that his building is the next target of an Al Qaeda terror attack and that if we’re all not listening and taking notes and practicing how to evacuate an office at home that we will inevitably die in a fire. There’s usually some sort of “Fire Marshall” for the floor as well. Common Cubicle Monkeys refer to this person as “a douchebag.” Its usually like an office manager or secretary and their job is to basically save everyone on the floor in the event of a fire like they’re in Backdraft even though there’s about a 50% chance they are an overweight minority or some brown nose, ass kissing loser. Together the fire chief and the floor marshall tell you not to take the elevator, always touch the door and the door handle to make sure there’s not fire on the other side, and all the other fucking bullshit that would undoubtedly go out the window if there was ever a real fire. If there was ever a real fire I’d be knocking over old women and children like I was Costanza. Fuck, I practically run out of there in a frenzy every day at 5pm. If there was a fire I’d step on coworkers to make it out of there. I hate this office and all the people in it when its not ablaze. If it caught on fire I’d wanna get outside as fast as possible to have a front row view while this fucking place burns to the ground.