KFC,

I think I may have a work experience that takes the cake.  Don’t get me wrong; the baby showers, the one lines, and the office birthdays all make me want to throw a fist through my laptop and walk out of the office in a blind rage.  These events, however, are nothing compared to the out of town training.

2 weeks long.  12 miserable ass days as you aren’t allowed to fly home over the weekend. Learning about a job you hate with the power of 1,000 suns while being forced to do so with 30-40 other people, who for some bizarre reason, find the training to be both interesting and informative.  Specifically, the following parts of the training made me want to shoot myself like that author of “Kindness in America,” but blow my fucking head off versus clipping myself in the wing.

Icebreakers – 3 interesting facts about yourself?  I could give a fuck what the other people attending the training have to share that they find to be interesting.  Where they have traveled?  How many cats they have?  I couldn’t care less.  Just like they don’t care that I am nursing a hangover and in all reality have nothing interesting about my life which those guys on Workaholics don’t already portray.

Networking – The term “networking” literally makes my skin crawl.  I want to slide through this job without gaining any more responsibilities than I already have.  That means I would prefer not to kiss any ass.  If anything, I would prefer if the people outside of payroll don’t even know who I am.  I also have no desire to be your linkedin contact or explain what my current roles include, because truth be told I really have no idea what I am being paid to do.  The networking events are also where you will undoubtedly hear some dickhead say ”I got this round of drinks!”  We get it asshole.  The drinks are free.  Good one.

The non traditional employees – Just like in college, there are always a few people in these trainings who simply don’t fit in.  Often times it is a foreigner from a third world country or a very old person who decided to change careers right before they retire.  Also similar to college, these non traditional assholes are the biggest try-hards and kiss-asses.  They love to share examples from their previous jobs, tell long winded stories about how they do things in their country, and always, ALWAYS, ask questions which lead to the lectures going far longer than they need to.  I am halfway out of my seat about to sprint to the bar and drink away my sorrows when these douche bags decide to throw up their hands with a four part question.

Anyway, if you have been through this you know what I mean.  Time stands still like you are stuck in Never Never Land, but there is no fine ass Tinkerbell to keep you company.

Ryan

Its Tuesday Cube Day, bitches! The one day a week where we all commiserate about how awful corporate life is here on Barstool New York.

The out of town training is absolutely terrible for anyone with a real life. I know some of you are gonna be like “No way man its fun! You get to go out drinking and try to fuck that cute chick from accounting you have been eying!” You people are losers. If you have friends and an existence outside of the office, you can go out drinking wherever you want and you can try to fuck people who you don’t work with. The people who like those training trips are like the same people who love the happy hours. Except instead of just being stuck with them for a few hours after work, the trainings are like 2 week happy hours that you can never escape.

The icebreaker games are atrocious. They are everything I hate about the world – talking to people I don’t know and I don’t like, pretending to care about people I don’t know and don’t like. “OK, now we’re gonna play 2 Truths and A Lie and everyone has to guess which one the lie is!”

You got it! Lets see…1) If I have to play one more icebreaker game with all of you strangers, I’m going to go back to my hotel room and hang myself with my shoelaces. 2) During our next break, rather than eating juice and cookies, I’m going to try to rig up a suicide bomb and blow this conference to kingdom come. 3) I’m really enjoying my time meeting all these new people and getting to know them.

Can you tell which one is a lie? Let me give you a hint, my shoelaces are missing and there are no cookie crumbs on my shirt.