Screen Shot 2013-08-14 at 9.23.33 AM

 

F as many dudes as you want!

MSN – Thanks, Dad. After stumbling upon “10 Rules For Dating My Daughter,” a list of macho threats sure to terrify your daughter’s boyfriend into never touching her again, writer and blogger Ferrett Steinmetz went ahead and posted an open letter to his daughter on his website that is absolutely tremendous. It’s titled ”Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Some F***ing Awesome Sex,” and yes, you should go ahead and read it for yourself.  —

There’s a piece of twaddle going around [the Internet] called ”10 Rules For Dating My Daughter,” which is packed with “funny” threats like this:

“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”

All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”

Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.

Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.

Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.

You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliore when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.

You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.

Now, you’re going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.

I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.

Now get out there and find all the things you f***ing love, and vice versa.

Hey Mr. Dad I get what you’re trying to do here and I respect your plan but good Lord almighty you’re a fucking maniac. 90% of this letter is pretty harmless stuff. Just the good old message of live your life and make your own choices and mistakes and learn from them. The other 10% is telling you daughter to go get fucked 6 ways from Sunday. The reason fathers out there play the whole tough guy role isn’t because they think its gonna stop them from ever having sex or dating a guy. Its merely damage control. You’re never gonna stop a girl from having boyfriends and having a little bit of fun.

Think of it like this: your goal as a father is to keep your daughter from being an absolute unmitigated whore. Not to be unrealistic and think she’s gonna be a virgin until you’re dead. You know you can’t keep her in a chastity belt or a convent so your next best tactic is to scare the ever living shit out of her and prospective partners. Thats how you end up meeting somewhere, hopefully, in the middle. Your job is to scare her enough to keep her inner slut at bay. Make sure that she’s not getting gang banged by the football team. Make sure she’s not known as the easiest lay in high school. You do this by scare tactics, plain and simple. If you give her an open blessing to go “have awesome fucking sex” that girl will be experimenting with every dick in every hole. At the end of the day, girls don’t need any extra encouragement from anyone to get laid. Certainly not their father. Your job is not to be her friend or her sex-gossip buddy. Your job is to make sure she knows about the dangers of dick. Scare the orgy out of her. Scare the black dudes out of her. Scare the drug dealer out of her. Do your best to scare her into monogamous sex with some white kid like Matt Saracen. Thats your duty.