(Buzz) — James: This is a difficult but necessary letter to write. I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of our times together, but that is all in the past. Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No communications at all. I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house. You’ve made your choice though wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle. If you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand. Have a good birthday and good life. No present exchanges will be accepted. Goodbye, Dad.

I think we’ve all been here. Had that phone call with dad where you hang up and just think “fuck that one is not gonna go over well.” Whether it be the time you got arrested for underage drinking or the time you failed a midterm or the time you spent literally all of your summer savings within a month of getting back to school. There’s always been the conversation that you don’t want to have but know you need to have it. Well I think we can all stop worrying about it now. Nobody is ever going to disappoint their father like James disappointed his. As long as your call to your devoutly Catholic father didn’t end with “oh yea and I suck dick” then I’m pretty sure you can rest easy.

PS – I kinda love this father. If you’re gonna be a bigot just own it. You’re unnatural and disgusting and degrading your body. Oh and don’t buy me presents.