Slate – Q. Nasty Surprise: When my wife and I met in college, the attraction was immediate, and we quickly became inseparable. We had a number of things in common, we came from the same large metropolitan area, and we both wanted to return there after school, so everything was very natural between us. We married soon after graduation, moved back closer to our families, and had three children by the time we were 30. We were both born to lesbians, she to a couple, and me to a single woman. She had sought out her biological father as soon as she turned 18, as the sperm bank her parents used allowed contact once the children were 18 if both parties consented. I never was interested in learning about that for myself, but she felt we were cheating our future children by not learning everything we could about my past, too. Well, our anniversary is coming up and I decided to go ahead and, as a present to my wife, see if my biological father was interested in contact as well. He was, and even though our parents had used different sperm banks, it appears so did our father, as he is the same person. On the one hand, I love my wife more than I can say, and logically, done is done, we already have children. I have had a vasectomy, so we won’t be having any more, so perhaps there is no harm in continuing as we are. But, I can’t help but think “This is my sister” every time I look at her now. I haven’t said anything to her yet, and I don’t know if I should or not. Where do I go from here? I am tempted to burn everything I got from the sperm bank and just try to forget it all, but I’m not sure if I can. Please help me figure out where to go from here.

I’ll tell you what – my first instinct on this blog was “You’re tempted to burn everything? Uh yea I’d say so! Burn your whole house down and jump in the fuckin flames, dude! You’ve been banging your sister!”

But then I gave it some more thought. I feel like once you’re settled down and get married and have kids your life as a man is all about one thing – minimizing conflict. Minimizing your headaches. Like I’ve said before I will now concede absolutely any argument just to get my girl to stop giving me shit. I’ll gladly be wrong. I’ll gladly apologize. You’re right, I’m wrong. You win, I lose. Whatever. I just wanna go back to watching TV. Once you’ve had kids and what not its like that times a billion. Just wanna be left alone and live in peace and quiet. You know whats a surefire way to NOT live in peace and quiet? Tell everyone in the family you’ve been fucking your sister for like 20 years. Then you probably gotta get a divorce, go to therapy. Get counseling, be in the news. Explain to all your friends what happened. Deal with your lesbian mother and her lesbian mothers asking all sorts of questions.

Fuck all that noise. He’s right. Just burn those papers and keep on living in peace and quiet with your retarded inbred kids and your incestual wife. You’re not a sister-fucker if nobody knows she’s actually your sister. Right?