LOUDONVILLE, N.Y. — New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter will receive an honorary doctorate from Siena during its May 13 commencement. Siena says it chose to give the degree to Jeter “in recognition of his leadership, accomplishments on the baseball field and dedication to improving the lives of young people through his Turn 2 Foundation.” The honorary degree will be Jeter’s first. His foundation works to promote healthy lifestyles among children. In a statement, Jeter says he’s humbled by Siena’s move, adding he “will cherish this degree as highly as any honor I have received or will receive.” The Yankees play Seattle on May 13, so Jeter is planning to have a video message played at the ceremony. His sister, Sharlee Jeter, president of the Turn 2 Foundation, will accept on his behalf.

College grad, eh? Maybe now he can pick up girls. Just goes to show you, kids. If you get the opportunity to forgo college to play in the big leagues and screw chicks, you’ll end up getting a degree anyway as long as you’re really fucking good at it.

Could you imagine the damage Jeter would have done if he actually went to college? He’s easily reaching double-digit slays by the end of freshman orientation. Mr. Syllabus Week would have exploited his innate, clutch abilities to pull shit like the flip play in Oakland- inexplicably being at the wrong party at the exact right time to bang that smoke who just so happened be there too. Jeter gets away with having the most secretive social life in the biggest, most media driven city in the world. He would be a ghost up there in Loudonville, New York. I guarantee he’s fucking the dean’s daughter, only to shake her father’s hand after with his patented Derek Jeter smile and his “yes sir, no sir” routine that kept him out of Steinbrenner’s doghouse for more than a decade.