Some Chick’s Tumblr Called “You Taste Like Nachos” – Yesterday evening Tara and I were riding the G train home from the park and a visibly intoxicated man got onto the car and asked us if we were “Irish or Scottish.” at first I thought he was asking about our heritage, but after looking at the bottle he was holding and the way he was sloshing around I think he may have thought we were talking with accents that is how many sheets to the wind he was. So normally when a drunk man talks to me on the subway I am mean as hell so he’ll leave me alone but maybe because Tara doesn’t live in NYC she hasn’t been hardened yet? So she kept engaging him and I am so glad she did because of where this conversation went. She told him she was visiting from Boston and that is when he said, “Oh yeah, I’ve played at Fenway a few times.” And I scoffed and rolled my eyes because BUDDY you are wearing chef pants on the G train and you’re fat and don’t even try to hint to me that you’re a former major league baseball player. I asked him if he was a Yankee fan or something since he had a negative reaction to Tara being in town from Boston and he said, “Why, do you recognize me?” And I was all “Come on! What’s your name then?” So he told us his name was Chuck but he would not give us his last name. He also overheard us talking about our upcoming trip to Minnesota and then he told us he used to live there. At this point we were just kind of egging him on so I asked him if he has ever played professional baseball and he said he couldn’t answer that but that he was recently divorced from his wife and “Are you sisters? Want to come uptown with me? I’ll just have to change first.” When we got off the train Tara decided to google “baseball minnesota chuck yankee” and I was all, “Can you believe that guy? He tried to hint to us that he was a former major league baseball player!” And that is when this came up on Google:

It was Chuck Knoblauch. We were being hit on by Chuck Knoblauch on the G train.

This story has floated around a couple websites today and I don’t know why it struck me the way it did. For all I know it could just be two confused broads or an all together made up story. But regardless I think the vision of Chuck Knoblauch riding the G train shitfaced in sweatpants chatting up random chicks asking whether they were Irish or Scottish and subtly trying to hint that he was an ex Major Leaguer while still trying to play it cool absolutely cracks me up. “Oh I’ve played there a couple times.” “Why, do you recognize me?” Reallll smooth bro. That, combined with the fact that Chuck Knobluach is fat as shit now and all I could think of was how much reminded me of Jack from LOST when he was trying to get back to the island. All fucked up on pills and drunk trying to get everyone to rendezvous on that one flight. Thats like the McNamee-Clemens trial going on right now. Chuck finally has Roger and Andy and Mike Stanton all back in the same place at the same time. Its like Knoblauch is just riding the subways hitting on chicks waiting to be subpoenaed so he can time travel back with all his buddies to his glory days.

Guy just wants to shoot some Boli, throw balls from second base into the crowd, and fuck young NYC chicks. The good old days.