ABC – Trial resumes Wednesday for a chef who told investigators he accidentally killed his wife and then cooked her body for four days in boiling water to get rid of the evidence. David Viens has pleaded not guilty to murdering his 39-year-old wife, Dawn, in late 2009. Her body has never been found. Jurors on Tuesday heard a recording played in court of Viens telling sheriff’s investigators they couldn’t find his wife’s body because he cooked it until little was left but her skull. ”I just slowly cooked it and I ended up cooking her for four days,” Viens, 49, could be heard saying on the recording. Viens gave detectives the interview as he lay in a hospital bed in March 2011, after leaping off an 80-foot cliff in Rancho Palos Verdes. Authorities say he jumped after learning he was a suspect in her death.

How many times have you heard a girl say “I love a guy that can cook”? And how many times have you heard a girl say “I wish he would pay more attention to me”? Well ladies, meet David Viens, your ideal man!

Not only is he a trained chef, he’s also a perfectionist who will pay you all the attention you want. He’ll surprise you with flowers at the office, give you a massage after a tough day, and even slow cook your body until there’s nothing left but your skull. With David Viens, it’s all about YOU.

Now I’m sure some girls are gonna be like “Well I don’t want to be killed and slow cooked, blah blah blah.” Look ladies, you can’t have it both ways. Either date some douchebag who only cares about himself and forgets your birthday and shit, or find a man like David Viens who makes you feel like the center of the universe. The choice is yours.