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The SunA KINKY computer engineer died after tying himself naked to a TREE with a cord wrapped around his penis, an inquest heard. Kevin Kirkland, 44, used a pair of makeshift rope handcuffs to attach himself to the trunk but got trapped when a knot jammed around his wrists. Walkers discovered his body slumped against the tree the following morning near his home in Newport, Shropshire. He was wearing just his socks and boots and had a small piece of cord wrapped around his penis. The inquest heard how bachelor Kevin died from hypothermia and blood loss from cuts on his wrists, which were caused by his desperate attempts to escape. He had drunk seven pints of lager and a vodka and coke with a pal the night before he died.  Kevin tried in vain to escape in the pitch black and freezing temperatures by rubbing the rope up and down the tree, stripping the bark of moss and cutting his wrists. At 8am, dog walker Mark Griffiths and his partner Elaine Batho heard Kevin crying for help. “I wrapped him in my coat to give him some dignity and eventually a police officer came and cut him down. “As we put him down on the ground I noticed a small cord around the base of his penis.” Kevin was rushed to hospital but he died hours later.

This guy was single?  You don’t say?  Listen normally I start these blogs off with “obviously it’s sad anytime a ___ dies doing ____.”  However I don’t think it’s that sad when a dude dies fucking a tree.  Like that’s the risk you run right?  If you’re going to pound vodka cokes and go down to the park with some homemade handcuffs and tie a cord around your dick and just start banging the brains out of some tree bark…you got to just assume there’s a chance you’ll fucking die out there.   As a matter of fact the only one I feel bad for here is the poor dog walker.  I’ll tell you what will ruin your day and that’s finding a dude bleeding to death in the park from fucking an elm tree.  Nice gesture with the coat dude but I don’t think there’s anything on Earth that could give this tree fucker his dignity back.