BENSALEM, Pa. — A suburban Philadelphia man is facing theft charges after police say he spent much of the $70,000 mistakenly deposited into his bank account. Bensalem police say 22-year-old Joseph Bucci spent all but about $2,000 of the $69,300 in misbegotten money after it showed up in his account in March. Bucci surrendered to police on Tuesday and arraigned on charges of theft of property lost by mistake and receiving stolen property. Investigators say Bucci used the money on airline tickets, a used car, insurance, a dog and other items. Police say he withdrew $30,000 in cash in the 10 days after the mistaken March 6 deposit. Bucci is free on bail. Court records don’t list an attorney for him and a phone listing for him could not immediately be located Wednesday.

What the fuck ever happened to finders keepers, losers weepers?? “Theft of property lost by mistake?” FUCK that shit. Property lost by mistake is just a fancy term for “shit thats up for grabs.” There is literally not one person on the planet earth who wouldn’t do what Joseph Bucci did. If I woke up tomorrow and there was 70 grand in the bank that shit would be gone by Saturday.

The key is you gotta do it like Brewster’s Millions. Spend all that shit but don’t have anything to show for it. No evidence you actually spent it. I’d throw a 70,000 Dollar Crack Party at Flashdancers. When you get questioned about where the money went just play dumb. I don’t know where the money is, how’d it even get in there in the first place? Something went haywire and put 70K in my account, maybe the same thing happened and now its gone? Its some sort of fraud, I didn’t spend that money. I wasn’t at Flashdancers last night, officer. Only way those coppers would be able to catch me is if they smelled my dick. My junk would stink to high heaven of 70 grand worth of stripper ass. But I don’t think they teach that at Detective School.

So I guess my lesson here is that if you unexpectedly have a small fortune dropped into your account, spend it on drugs, booze and sex. I didn’t think that needed to be said but the fact that Joseph Bucci ended up with his mugshot on Does This Look Like The Face Of, I guess I do.