The Ledger - A Winter Haven man remained in jail Sunday after he was accused of attacking three women with a 4-foot sword and a peanut-butter sandwich, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office. Mark Christopher Miller, 50, used the sword to threaten two women, one of them pregnant, and then smeared another with the sandwich before the deputies hauled him away, according to his arrest report. As the deputies drove him to jail, Miller ripped a piece of padding from the inside of the patrol car with his teeth, the report says. The fracas began when Miller heard a disturbance outside his mobile home at 2500 U.S. 92 W. No. 18A. He exited, sword in hand, and “poked” it at the 6-month pregnant woman’s stomach, the report says. She managed to grab the blade and stop him from stabbing her.

I think I’d rather take my chances with the sword than get smeared with a peanut butter sandwich from this Rip Torn lookin motherfucker. I don’t care if I was 60 months pregnant, no chance I’m letting someone smear my face with a PB and J. Thats like the ultimate sign of disrespect. Its like someone spitting in your face X 1000. Imagine Skippy all up in your eyebrows and shit? Peanut butter in your nostrils? Just take me out with the katana, bro. Give me a clean death, a soldier’s death. Just spare me the humiliation of being called Peanut Butter Man for the rest of my life.