Washington DC – A D.C. man is in jail after police say he sexually assaulted a woman in the Clarendon Whole Foods and masturbated in a police interview room. The alleged crime took place inside the store, on the 2700 block of Wilson Boulevard, at 1:50 p.m. on Sunday. According to the police report, a female shopper had bent down to retrieve a bottle of wine when the man — 24-year-old Frank Alex Bouknight — came up behind her and placed his hand between her legs and on her genitalia. Bouknight then laughed and walked away, police say. Bouknight was located four hours later, sleeping on a public bench in front of the nearby Barnes and Noble store, according to Arlington County Police spokesman Dustin Sternbeck. Police found “hardcore pornography” magazines inside Bouknight’s backpack, Sternbeck said. Bouknight’s alleged sexual misconduct continued when he was brought back to police headquarters. “Once in the police interview room, the subject repeatedly masturbated,” according to the crime report. Bouknight was charged with sexual battery. He is being held without bond.

Hope that organic beef and those free range chickens were worth an unwanted fingerbang! I’m glad you got fruit with no artificial preservatives to go along with your sexual assault, foodie!

I hate this wave of food snobs that we’ve seen over the past several years. Its mostly broads but there are also some dickheads out there that love organic food and all that “natural” bullshit. You should see the way these fuckin puppets flock to places like Fairway and Whole Foods and Trader Joes and shit. They love the healthy selection and the fancy brands because fuckin Oprah and Dr. Oz told them to. Well did Oprah and Dr. Oz warn you about the vagrants that would be finger fucking you in the wine aisle too? No? Probably not.

I’ll be at Gristedes getting the same half a pound of Boars Head without Rasheed Wallace trying to rape me.