The Smoking Gun – An argument between two South Carolina men over which one of them “can have the most sex” ended Sunday with a stabbing, police report. Calvin Bernard Hill, 54, was arrested on a felony battery charge following an altercation in the back of a PT Cruiser being driven by a female acquaintance of the duo. According to a Greenwood City Police Department report, Hill stabbed the 41-year-old victim in the ribs after they left a party. Interviewed at the hospital, the victim–whose name was redacted from the police report–said that “he and Mr. Hill got into a verbal altercation about who can have the most sex.” A “tussling match” ensued and he ended up being stabbed, recalled the victim, who was initially found bleeding profusely by a cop identified as “Captain Morgan.” The driver told police that Hill threw a knife away after the incident and stated, “I can’t go down for this.” When questioned by a cop, Hill denied stabbing the victim, claiming “that man stabbed his self.” Pictured in the above mug shot, Hill is being held in the Greenwood County Detention Center in lieu of $10,000 bond.

Before we dig into to the reason behind this tussle, let me just state for the record that one man identifying himself as Captain Morgan and Calvin Bernard Hill using the defense of “that man stabbed his self” is absolutely 10 out of 10. Its details like that which take you from weird news to Barstool worthy.

Now, lets dig in here. There are three things I used to care about that I slowly realized its a waste of fucking time to spend any energy on. 1) How much you can bench press/lift. Back when I was in high school and I was playing sports and cared about that shit I used to really wish I could lift more weight. At the gym, in the weight room at school, I’d always be embarrassed about not being able to bench as much as the next guy. As I got a little older I realized unless you’re entering the World’s Strongest Man Competition or you’re gonna be a professional furniture mover, that shit just does not matter.

2) How much I can drink. When I was in college I wanted to be the guy who could drink the most beers. Rip the most shots. I wanted to have the highest tolerance. Now I’m seriously like fucccccccck that shit. I guess when you’re in frat boy college mode it seems like a badge of honor and a feat of strength to drink the most and still be in control, but now all that leads to is a bigger gut and an emptier wallet. I wish I had the tolerance of a 15 year old girl.

and 3) Having the most sex. Listen we all wish we were George Clooney. And I’ve always said no matter how many chicks you have slept with, when you’re on your death bed you’ll always wish your Number was that much higher. But if you think I’m gonna get so worked up over my buddy telling me he can fuck the most that I’m gonna stab him in the ribs you got another thing coming. Truth be told if you wanna start an argument about who can fuck the most, you’re probably gonna win. If we’re talking about endurance, I’m most likely good for a one and done. Roll over and sleep like a baby afterwards. You wanna argue about number of partners? You win, again. I tricked one chick into having regular sex with me, don’t need to entertain the chase. Either way, you win bro. Congratulations. I’m sure you’re the man. I certainly ain’t stabbing you in the ribs because of it.