DUBUQUE, Iowa (AP) — Police charged an eastern Iowa man with drunken driving after stopping him outside a Dubuque bar, where he was in a truck beside a small zebra and parrot. KCRG-TV reports (http://bit.ly/KkBp1j ) officers arrested 56-year-old Jerald Reiter on Sunday night in the parking lot of the Dog House bar. Officers gave him a field sobriety test and charged him with drunken driving. Reiter, of Cascade, disputes the arrest, saying he was about to let a passenger begin driving. He says the zebra and macaw parrot are pets and like riding in the truck. Sometimes the bar lets them inside, but they had to stay outside this time because the business was serving food.

Jerald Reiter, looking good guy! You been workin out? Eating healthy? Taking yoga classes? No? Just blacking out with your zebra and parrot? Alright I guess that explains your morbidly drunk glow!

Can I get a better explanation than a “small zebra,” please? Does that mean like a baby zebra? Or did Jerald Reiter somehow get his hands on a special breed of mini zebra? I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a zebra guy. But beggars can’t be choosers. I’d roll with a zebra if I could get my hands on one.

Which leads us to the big picture question though, if you could pick one animal to black out with, what would it be? Forget about the dangers and feasibility and stuff. Like if you wanted to booze with a crocodile or a hippo then lets just assume you could. Hands down I’d go with a panda bear. Panda bears are like your fat friend you just sit at the bar with and put in a good 5 hour session. Just slamming beers while he eats bamboo like there’s no fucking tomorrow. Doesn’t matter if he’s huge and fat or small and cuddly, either way he’s a great wingman for chicks. Plus I bet a panda can hold his liquor like a motherfucker. Have him drive you home after the bar and avoid a DUI. Zebras can’t even drive.