NYDN - A city cop with a taste for human flesh was charged Thursday with plotting to kidnap, torture, “slow cook” and eat women he tracked down through law enforcement databases. Accused cannibal cop Gilberto Valle, 28, was living a double life — a married dad and civil servant who moonlighted as a secret psycho straight out of a James Patterson crime thriller, federal authorities revealed. Valle is accused of using high-tech surveillance to track would-be victims, even worming his way into their lives while plotting to kidnap, rape and kill them. He once boasted in an instant message to a depraved ally that his oven was “big enough to fit one of these girls if I folded their legs.” At his arraignment in Manhattan Federal Court Thursday, prosecutor Hadassa Waxman said it was only a matter of time before Valle acted on his sinister desires. “I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus . . . cook her over a low heat and keep her alive as long as possible,” he wrote to an alleged co-conspirator just days before the lunch date. “I love that she is asleep right now, not having the slightest clue of what we have planned,” he wrote. “Her days are numbered. I’m glad you’re on board. She does look tasty doesn’t she?” The unidentified co-conspirator messaged back, “You do know if we don’t waste any of her, there is nearly 75 lbs of food there.” Defense attorney Julia Gatto scoffed at the charges, describing Valle’s behavior as nothing more than “fantasy talk” and lies in online chat rooms. “Nobody has been injured. Nobody has been taken,” Gatto said. “It is, at best, someone who is living a fantasy on the Internet, a deviant fantasy. But there is no actual crossing the line from fantasy to reality.”

I hate to side with an alleged cannibal and his lawyer here but I gotta be honest here. People say all sorts of shit on the internet all the time. Doesn’t mean they’re really gonna do it. I remember being on AOL going into the lesbian chat rooms asking lezbos a/s/l. I used to tell them I was 25/f/Iowa and that I was gonna come to their house and eat their pussy. Does that mean I was a 25 year old lesbian from Iowa that was gonna show up on their doorstep with an appetite for vagina? For sure not. Because I was just internet chatting. I go on Barstool every day and write about how much I hate Asians and blind people. If I ever saw a blind Asian person you think I’d fight them on the spot? No. Because its just shit I say on the internet.

Granted telling people you are gonna tie a woman up and slow cook her until you have 75 pounds of human flesh to eat is a tad different than pretending to be a lesbian and talking to other 14 year old boys pretending to be lesbians in a chat room. But the same logic applies. Saying weird shit on the internet ain’t a crime.

PS – Do you think there was ever an actual lesbian in an AOL chat room? Or just people pretending? I bet it was all just dudes chatting with each other getting other dudes hard. Weird to think that.