NOLA - The Rev. Grant Storms, the former “Christian patriot” pastor whose marches against homosexuality at New Orleans’ Southern Decadence festival briefly put him in the national spotlight, was convicted of obscenity Wednesday, for exposing himself while masturbating at Lafreniere Park last year. In his confession, he described public masturbation as “a thrill”. Storms, 55, who lives in Metairie, declined to comment after the conviction. Judge Ross LaDart, who presided over the daylong trial because Storms waived a jury, did not even break to deliberate. He promptly found Storms guilty of the single count of obscenity. He sentenced Storms to three years of probation. LaDart also ordered Storms to be evaluated, apparently psychologically. The judge noted that in Storms’ confession, he admitted that the day he was arrested was the third time that week that he masturbated in Lafreniere Park. Storms declined to testify. His attorneys did not overtly deny their client masturbated in the park but argued he never exposed his penis. The exposure was a necessary element of the obscenity charge. In his confession, Storms told Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office Sgt. Kevin Balser he had taken a break from his grass cutting business to sip a beer in the park, where he said he became “horny.” He said he put his hands into his underwear, but he never exposed himself. ”Why do you go to the park and do this, as far as masturbating?” Balser asked Storms after the arrest. ”I don’t know,” Storms responded. “I guess a thrill.”

First and foremost, Grant Storms is a sweet name. Second of all, Grant Storms is full of shit. Listen pal, I get that sometimes the landscaping biz can be a little stressful. You might feel the need to crack open a Schlitz at the park & clear the pipes every now and then. Oldest stress relievers in the book. I don’t have the luxury of brews in my office but, when not doing work at work gets to be too much, I’m fortunate enough to be able to close the blinds, shut the door and swing my dong like a lasso until I’m relaxed. So I’m with you there. But don’t come into an American court of law spouting some bullshit about beating off with your dick in your pants. Nobody does that.

Unless you’re rocking sweats 8 sizes too big, your wrist/forearm motion is way too constricted by the waist of your pants. I’m not saying everyone jerks off like they’re hailing a cab, but you need a little range. If your thumb & forefinger are enough for your micro dick, I’m not talking about you. And the obvious question is, where’s the load go? You just leave it in your pants & let it meld to your thigh while walking behind a mower for the rest of the day? Blow it in your hand & rinse it off with the backwash from your Schlitz? It’s no shock Judge LaDart didn’t even need a break to deliberate. If you’re admitting to being “horny” & rubbing one out in the park for a “thrill”, anyone who knows anything knows your boner was feeling the breeze. Case closed.