JANUARY 24A Maine woman who was expecting to engage in a “threesome” with neighbors is facing criminal charges for allegedly brandishing several knives after the tryst failed to occur, police report. Valerie Nile, 44, was arrested late Tuesday evening inside the home of Edward Sabatino, who called 911 to report that Nile was “intoxicated and was threatening him with a knife.” When Knox County Sheriff’s Office deputies arrived at the 56-year-old Sabatino’s residence, he told them that “they were all drinking and hanging out” when Nile went into the kitchen and retrieved three knives. Sabatino, who shares his home with roommate Shawna Chickering, 30, said that Nile “lives two trailers over.” After being handcuffed by a deputy, Nile explained that she, Sabatino, and Chickering “were going to have a threesome.” That encounter did not materialize (though the trio of knives did). A deputy noted that Chickering, who was observed “sleeping” on a couch, claimed she did not observe anything. Chickering’s two children were asleep in a bedroom during the incident.

I am on the record saying that threesomes only belong in the world of porn or hookers. Real life, normal people threesomes often end in horrendous tragedy. You can go back through the archives of Barstool New York and see evidence here, here, here, here, here, and here, just to name a few. Its borderline impossible to keep all three people happy and comfortable when there’s always some sort of third wheel. Its best to just avoid them all together unless you’ve paid for that action and its just a job to the other parties involved.

Now all that being said, things are a little different when you find yourself hanging out in your mobile home with your trailer park neighbor who is the poster child for Faces Of Meth and she’s cleary pushing for a threesome. If Valerie Nile is giving you the vibe that she wants to fuck you and your trailer park roommate, just bite the bullet and get it over with. Would you rather a threesome with women or a fucking threesome of knives in your face? I don’t care how ugly she is. Don’t care how awkward sex with the 3rd woman would be. When a meth head demands a threesome its easier to just have the orgy, check it off your bucket list, and avoid being stabbed.