Huff Po – Police say Brenda Schumann, 51, defecated and urinated on the floor, then went on an armed rampage through the house after discovering her husband in bed with another woman, according to a case report obtained by TC Palm. ”I found him in bed with a naked chick what was I supposed to do,” she later told a deputy, according to the sheriff’s report. Schumann allegedly stormed into the bedroom other Vero Beach, Fla. home at about 2:30 a.m. on Dec. 21, carrying a rifle and threatening to kill both her 42-year-old husband and his lover. After her husband managed to get the gun away from her he says she urinated on the carpet outside the bedroom before dropping a deuce on the kitchen floor. She allegedly found a second rifle and began to destroy items around the house, include mirrors, pictures and Christmas decorations. It’s unclear whether she was employing the rifle in the destruction. Her husband told deputies that she eventually left the house and drove away, leaving the weapon behind. The responding deputy tracked down Schumann to another apartment, where she allegedly tried to hold the door shut to prevent him from getting inside. She was charged with aggravated assault/domestic violence, aggravated assault, battery and resisting arrest without violence.

“Well what was I supposed to do?” might be hands down the greatest excuse for shitting on the floor I’ve ever heard. What are you supposed to say back to that? Well Brenda you should have broken up with him and began searching for a man who treats you with respect? For sure not. You got some sleazy husband 10 years younger than you banging some broad in your bed? Its time to go on a piss and poop filled rampage. Pee on the carpet, dump on the kitchen linoleum, and tear apart that house with ass cheeks poopier than Al Roker’s at the White House. Maybe when you’re 21 years old you keep your composure and act like a lady and try to be the bigger person. But at the ripe old age of 51 when you’re trying to retire in Vero Beach the only revenge for cheating is a big fat old lady dump right in that guy’s face.

Because make no mistake about it, old lady shits have gotta be the most vile things on the planet earth. Think about it – chicks spend the first 40 or 50 years of their lives trying not to fart and poop. The last thing a chick in her 20s and 30s wants to do is let anything smelly come out of her butt. Its the most unattractive thing they can do. So by the time you’re 50, you’re on thin ice. Your sphincter is tired. Its been working overtime for the better part of 3 or 4 decades. You encounter a stressful upsetting situation like your husband cheating and you finally let loose and its like opening the flood gates. Like there’s a crack in the Hoover Dam and all the sudden it all comes bursting through. 40 years of suppressed poop comes barreling out of your asshole. Can’t even imagine what that looks or smells like. Probably weighs like 200 courics.

That guy may have to burn his house to the ground after that. There’s no saving it. Just move out and hope the real estate agent can keep it a secret. Selling the house that Brenda Schulman shit in is harder than selling a haunted house where a double murder was committed.