STENUNGSUND, Sweden, Feb. 27 (UPI) A Swedish father who found a drunk man sleeping in his 3-year-old’s bed said he only decided to call police after discovering the stranger had urinated. The Stenungsund man said he got up early Sunday to take care of his dog and his 3-year-old son soon came downstairs and said there was a “ghost” in his bed, The Local reported Monday. The father said he discovered the drunk passed out in the bed. He told the newspaper Aftonbladet he considered handling the matter without police, but changed his mind when he saw the mystery man had urinated on the mattress. Police said the suspect, whose name was not released, was arrested on a trespassing charge. The father said he will now be locking the doors of his home at night.

There are two types of people in this world – people who piss themselves when they are drunk and people who don’t. I’ve been blackout drunk more times than I can remember, but I’ve never pissed the bed. It just doesn’t happen. No matter how drunk I get I have some trigger that gets me out of bed into the bathroom. I’m not trying to be all high and mighty, I do plenty of other embarrassing shit when I’m boozed. I’m just saying peeing isn’t one of them. Feitelberg, on the other hand, has 2 glasses of Chardonnay and gets out the rubber mattress.

The reason why I bring up this important distinction is because this father clearly just isn’t a bed wetter. 4 years ago he was probably blacking out just like this man was. Stumbling home in a stupor he could have easily walked into the wrong house. Shit, he may have even been the type of dude who would have crawled into the 3 year old’s bed. Maybe eat some of their porridge too like some sort of blacked out Goldilocks. And he probably could forgive all of that shit. Just let him sleep it off and kick him out in the morning. But not the bed wetting. Can’t tolerate that. If you’re pissing the bed drunk, you can’t sympathize with your 3 year old’s bed soaked in urine. Maybe Feitelberg would have understood. But not me and not this father.