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NY Post – My boyfriend, Eric, is the gourmet cook in our relationship, but he’d always want me to make him a sandwich. Each morning, he would ask, “Honey, how long you have been awake?” “About 15 minutes,” I’d reply. “You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?” To him, sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex. “Sandwiches are love,” he says. “Especially when you make them. You can’t get a sandwich with love from the deli.” One lazy summer afternoon just over a year ago, I finally gave in. I assembled turkey and Swiss on toasted wheat bread. I spread Dijon mustard generously on both bread slices, and I made sure the lettuce was perfectly in line with the neatly stacked turkey slices. Eric devoured the sandwich as if it were a five-star meal, diving in with large, eager bites. “Babes, this is delicious!” he exclaimed. As he finished that last bite, he made an unexpected declaration of how much he loved me and that sandwich: “Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!” I paused. Was our happily ever after as simple as making him a few sandwiches?  Things were moving at a natural pace, but I wondered what it would take for him to propose. I’m in my mid-30s, and my parents have been happily married for more than 35 years. I have always valued the commitment and dedication it takes to get married and stay married. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d like to raise a family with someone who feels likewise. Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife material. If he wanted 300 sandwiches, I’d give him 300 sandwiches

Now look I’m not an idiot. This woman works for the New York Post. So this little 300 Sandwiches plan is just a ploy to get clicks and followers to probably turn into a cooking blog of some sorts. But you just gotta hope that this plays out like a romantic comedy. You know those romantic comedies where something starts out as a bet or a sneaky plan but along they way they actually fall in love with the person or start to like whatever they were doing? You just gotta hope that happened to this chick.

Because lemme tell you something girls – we’re not fucking joking about this. We’re not joking about the importance of sandwiches. You might see us talking about it on Barstool and see people joking about it in movies and stand up and you think we’re not being serious. Sandwiches truly genuinely make us happy. In a weird, very powerful way. There are times when a perfect sandwich on a Saturday afternoon with chips and a coke and a slice of a pickle can be the best meal we’ve ever eaten. Like it tastes and feels better than a steak dinner sometimes. I don’t know why. Just does. So hopefully this broad has learned to love sandwiches along the way. Hopefully she treats sandwiches as a little challenge or a puzzle or something that gives her satisfaction. Because if she did, these two are gonna have one of the happiest fucking marriages of all time.

Except at the end of the day she has to look at Powder and that Andy Dick wig. Yeesh. Bro. Your hair. Do something about that.

PS – The real play is to tell your broad you’ll propose after 300 blowjobs. Thats the game you gotta convince her to do. Because either she becomes a dick craving monster and you get blown so much so often you won’t mind getting married, or, she remains like a normal chick and you won’t have to propose for like 10 years. Its a win-win for you.

PPS – Seriously girls, I’ve said this before – if you want to really make us happy, Blow Jobs and Sandwiches. Yes, its shallow, yes it probably sucks for you. But if you want a good relationship, thats one way to automatically get it. The choice is up to you.