Screen Shot 2013-07-24 at 10.34.22 AM

The Mercury – A SOUTH Hobart man accused of sexually assaulting a Victorian school teacher during New Year’s Eve celebrations on the waterfront told police if he had wanted sex he would have gone to a brothel or “got a girl on speed or a fat girl”. Mathew Luke Johnson, 35, has pleaded not guilty to aggravated sexual assault, saying the 26-year-old tourist was the one who pulled him into the Parliament House car park in the early hours of New Year’s Day. ”You took advantage of her and those people got involved because they knew something was wrong,” the interviewing detective said. ”She was heavily intoxicated and you performed a sex act on her in a public car park.” Mr Johnson responded by saying he was “not a rapist, man”.

This is really one of those all-or-nothing type of legal defenses. Not gonna go with trying to prove consent. Not going to attack the grey area that is “too intoxicated.” We’re just gonna go with “I’m not a rapist, man” with the proof being there are plenty of fat broads out there that would willingly, consciously take your dick. I’m not sure if that holds up in court in America but who knows what goes on in the Outback of Australia. It makes sense to me. Two options – Option 1 is a fat chick who will devour your D like Thanksgiving dinner because its her semi-annual chance to get laid. Option 2 is a chick who’s gonna accuse you of a heinous sexual act. The way I see it is this: either you believe his Fat Chick Defense because any rational man would pick Option 1 if he really thought he was assaulting a girl. Or, you believe he chose Option 2, which means he gets off on insanity because no man in his right mind would choose Option 2. Either way, this dude walks. Boom. Lawyered.