NYT – On the last day of summer, with the crisp air warmed by the late-afternoon sun, a 25-year-old rider waited until the Wild Asia Monorail was alongside the tiger habitat and then he leapt from the last rail car, clearing a 16-foot-high protective fence, according to zoo officials. At about 3:25 p.m., the man, David Villalobos of Mahopac, N.Y., landed inside the tiger enclosure, where he was suddenly alone with Bachuta, an 11-year-old male Siberian tiger weighing 400 pounds, officials said. Bachuta attacked him, leaving “puncture wounds” on his arms, legs, shoulder and back, but did not appear to have clamped its jaws onto the man’s head or neck, as tigers are wont to do to their prey, said James Breheny, the zoo’s director. The police said Mr. Villalobos also suffered a broken arm and a broken leg; he was in serious condition late Friday night at Jacobi Medical Center, the police said.

Normally I’m all for not killing yourself, but if you pick “tiger mauling” as your choice of suicide, I’m gonna say go ahead and do it bro. I can’t think of too many better ways to end your life than getting eaten by a tiger. It just solidifies your badassness. You can get a “Mauled To Death By A Tiger” on your tombstone, and that’s pretty sweet. Just go down in infamy as the guy who killed himself via tiger. I’m all about it.

Unfortunately, this asshole didn’t get the job done and lived through his tiger mauling. What does that say about you as a person? Fucking tigers won’t even eat you. Time to make some life changes dude. When you’re jumping into tiger pens at the Bronx Zoo and living through it, you should probably start reevaluating where you’re at. You gotta be a pretty big shitbag for one of the world’s most ferocious killers to give up halfway through the meal.

So dude, if you’re reading this, keep at it. I believe in you. Give it another shot once you get out of the hospital and I’m sure if you present yourself in an appetizing manner next time, you’ll die.