Huff Po - Jonathan Scull, 26, allegedly tried to steal two cans of beer from a liquor store by shoving them in his pants, then told an employee that the cans were his penis, Wicked Local Somerville reported. The Medford, Mass., man went into Woody’s Liquors on the evening of Feb. 26, when the female employee, whose name has not been released, says she saw him drop the cans in his trousers and walk out. She told police she followed him out of the store and asked what the bulge around his ankle was, and he replied, “It’s my [genitals].” According to the paper, “The woman said she pointed out that the bulge around his ankle was clearly not his genitals” and he proceeded to chuck the can at her head and run away. She called police, who say when they caught up to Scull, he swore and yelled at them, claiming that if they didn’t have badges, he would have killed them. According to Somerville Police Department logs, Scull was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, resisting arrest and shoplifting.

I’ve heard of some cocky excuses in my life, but claiming a bulge in your ankle is your dick is just about as cocky as it gets. Right up there with the other recent dick/pants excuses of “my pants are too small” and “I’ve got a hole in my pants.” Should have just stuck with the lie. My dick hangs down to my feet. You don’t know me or my dick. Maybe its the length of my whole leg. Now go back into that 7/11 and let me and my howtizer drive away before I throw these PBRs at your fucking head.

PS – If you’re gonna go through the hassle of stealing beer, at least go with Colt 45. Go all in, you know? Malt liquor and robbery go together like a horse and carriage