Tampa BayIn a Hillsborough courtroom Monday, during a busy docket call, all side conversations came to a halt as a bailiff emerged with the inmate. Matthew Wong, 51, was slumped in a wheelchair, his head bandaged, his ears deformed, his flesh so profoundly burned that his once-brown skin was now pink. Wong was there to answer to a charge of attempted murder, that on the morning of Feb. 6, 2012, he tried to set his wife on fire, but instead engulfed himself in flames. He was now hard of hearing, the judge heard, and blind in one eye. Circuit Judge J. Rogers Padgett asked Wong to raise his right hand, which it appeared the man barely managed to do, and give his plea. “Guilty,” Wong said. One week before his scheduled trial, Wong accepted a plea deal that will put him in prison for 10 years, then on probation for another 10. Prosecutors would have presented evidence that, after 25 years of marriage, he had recently separated from his wife, Gloria Davis Wong, when he drove to the Countrywood apartment complex in a rental car and waited for her to leave for work. When he saw her, he chased her with gasoline, but only managed to douse himself. When she took refuge in an apartment, he tried to light it on fire. That’s when he lit himself. Assistant State Attorney Natalia Silver told the judge that while the wife was not burned, she suffered “severe mental trauma.”

I thought if you were too stupid, you couldn’t be held accountable for your crime? Yeah, I get that you’ve gotta be one sadistic son of a bitch to want to set someone on fire. That’s some Damon Pope-level shit. I’m also not gonna judge Matty Wong for letting his chick drive him to the point of calculated murder. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, just saying I understand. But you’ve gotta be a Grade-A idiot to end up Freddy Krueger while just making your wife late to work. How’d he end up taking the super unleaded bath? Was he chasing his wife with a punch bowl full of gas & spilled it all over himself? I just don’t see how else it happens if you got a plan, or how that plan didn’t include a Super Soaker.

Is there a better piece of equipment for safely & efficiently preparing someone to be engulfed in flames than the Super Soaker 3000?

You can douse your target from 20 feet in like 8 seconds using the Typhoon setting. By the time they catch a whiff & realize what’s going on, they’ll be paralyzed by fear. That’s when you grenade-toss handfuls of snaps and presto, you’re wife’s on fire & you’re out of harm’s way. Yeah, you’d still be in court answering to a felony charge, but A) you got the job done and B) you’d still have your face.