So if you listen to any of the podcasts on KFC Radio you know I took engagement photos a couple weeks ago. Well the pictures finally have been released, and really only one word comes to mind:

Sexy.

I wasn’t sure if these pictures would ever see the light of day on Barstool. I clowned around about them on the podcast but I never intended on blogging them. Some things are sacred AKA some things will get you in big time trouble with your fiance. So I made sure I didn’t get tagged on any of the pics on facebook and I figured that would be that. Well yesterday I get a Gchat from the Roommate – “I tagged you in one pic. Its harmless.” Yea. Sure thing. Harmless. I felt like that scene in Jumanji when the game says there’s gonna be a monsoon and Bonnie Hunt is like “Well at least we’re inside” and Robin Williams is like “Yea…right.” No big deal. Just opened the flood gates to probably the most deranged group of people on the internet. I was still safe though. A couple people had seen them on facebook but nothing too crazy. But then the floodgates opened:

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Patient Zero in this Outbreak was your boy Gaz. After that, the horse was out of the barn. The animals in the comments section had them. The fiance asked me if I could stop them from posting. I told her “It’s in God’s hands now.” You made your bed with tagging on facebook. Now its time to sleep. So without further ado, lets get right into it. Breaking down your boy KFC’s appearance in his fancy photo shoot:

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Hey eyeball! Wake up bro! Its engagement photo time! Jiminy fuckin cricket. There’s lazy eyes, then there’s unemployed eyes, then there’s dead eyes, THEN my eye. Photographer was like “KFC, stop winking for the camera!” I was like “I’m not!”

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I feel like I should list out where you can buy my clothes like they do in magazines since this is such a good fucking picture. Blue plaid shirt with black and yellow checkered cuffs/collar – Banana Republic – $59.95. Black V neck sweater – Banana Republic – $89.95.

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KFC – smut peddler, athletic phenom, wine connoisseur. Say what you want about me but I’ve got the nicest head of lettuce at the Stool. My neck scar also = sexy.

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Oh snap! Black and white! Sophisticated as fuck. How about the candid nature of this one too? I bet you’re all like “I wonder what he was saying when this picture was taken? Something romantic and intriguing, no doubt.

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Continuing with the wine theme, this is in my local liquor store. The photographer asked us what our favorite spots in the neighborhood were. I told her the liquor store. Here you’ll see me holding a bottle of win 5 times as expensive as I usually would buy.

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One word for this picture: Iconic. Wouldn’t be surprised if they mass produce this one and sell it in poster form.

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Casual. Yet striking. And yes, I had to put on some nice shoes for the photoshoot. Took a break from #Clancying for the afternoon.

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Oh shit! Wardrobe change! Rockin that purple, son! Color of royalty, in case you didn’t know. Also brought my main man Duncan into the shoot. My good looks – my lazy eye + the cute puppy = unstoppable.

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Care Boy! Smoochie poochie!

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Hashtag gumballs.

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And here’s the infamous picture. Like I said earlier in the blog, if you listened to the podcast you know the back story behind this picture. Me and the Roommate take Duncan into the park near the East River. Gonna get a shot of us sitting in the leaves with him. I go to sit down and I put my hand down on the ground – right into a pile of dog shit. So there I am, middle of the shoot, hand full of poop. So what did I do? What any other professional male model would do. Put on a playful yet sexual smile and knocked it out of the park. You think I was gonna let some poop between my fingers stop me? For sure not. This was Sexy Time, folks. Not letting anything get in my way.

Now listen I’m sure a bunch of you hardo tough guy single idiots are gonna call me gay and tell me I’m a faggot and I’m whipped and all this other garbage. Fact of the matter is engagement photos are basically standard these days. You man up, take some pictures and make your lady happy. And speaking of my lady, it has absolutely rocked Stoolies to the core that I have a hot chick. Like they have no idea how to operate anymore:

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Amen, John Pierce. Amen. Your father knows whats up.

PS – Best picture from the whole thing:

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Is that real life? Doesn’t get any better than that.