So I try to keep a pretty regular gym regimen because “I write for Barstool” works with girls about as often as “I wanna wear your skin as my face,” and I need to supplement what I’m bringing to the table. I can’t understand for the life of me, however, when the transition from ‘guy who goes about his workout with human noises and mannerisms’ to ‘Planet Fitness commercial asshole’ happens. So I’m gonna exploit the reach that Barstool provides in an effort to start a social revolution. If you’re one of the following people, kill yourself. Everybody hates you.
Jug Guy
You’re the worst. I literally can’t thing of a venue with water more readily available than a gym. Fountains everywhere. Why do you feel the need to buy a gallon of water at Krauszer’s on the way to lift? It’s because you want to show the world that your workout is so far superior that petty, mortal water from a spout can’t possibly quench your thirst. And people who carry the jug with them throughout the day are worse than that friend who asks you to pick him up from the bar and then doesn’t answer your 5 phone calls when you pull up.
Noise Guy
Probably the fan favorite when it comes to this list. You may as well be a terrorist because that’s honestly how much most people in this world hate you. I’m all about pushing yourself to the limit and digging deep for that last rep, but a big exhale usually suffices when it comes to relieving yourself after all that energy is exerted. Ending your squat with a floor-shaking grunt and “Fuck I feel good!” is so unnecessary in this environment. Go lift tires and shit in an open field like Tebow if you wanna do this. It you want to pretend you’re the only one in the area, be the only fucking one in the area. I’m also gonna group in the guys who put those chains on the barbell. I see no fitness-related purpose for this. Gyms are pretty good with supplying every increment of weight you could ever need. Stop being a prick and just admit you want to make more noise than anybody else so people will look at you. Might as well be stomping a kick drum while you’re benching.
External Speakers on iPod Guy
How many Aspergers do you need to have to pull this one off? Having your music blast from your ipod like a 90′s boombox may be the biggest fuck you to the rest of the gym I’ve ever seen. Ear buds are like $8 you socially retarded juice monkey. Some people aren’t as into Afrojack as you are. Levels is a cool song, but every car commercial for the past year has used it. This is just another way for mentally weak and insecure people to assert their dominance onto others, and it needs to stop.
So please, if you are one of these people, just end it. I can safely say that if your gym persona met 10 people in a day, at least 9 of them would want you to contract MRSA. And if you’re a spotter for one of these assholes, let the 280 pound barbell slip one time.
Honorable Mentions
Monitor Progress in Notebook Guy/ Update Facebook Status with Results Guy
Weight Drop Guy
Across-the-Room Conversation Guys
Full Cell Phone Conversation While I’m Waiting to Use your Machine Guy
You dumbass. Chains are so the weight gets heavier the higher you lift it. Go put your skirt on and just get on the elliptical with the rest of the women.
^^ hahaha, we got a chain guy in the house.
I would move notebook guy up higher in the list due to sheer volume. See plenty of jerkoffs doing that.
You also forgot homos trolling the steam/sauna area, some guys spend hours there.
-Gloves guy
-Bandana guy
-Everything matches guy
-Hairgel guy
-Cut shirt over tank top guy (usually has a jug too)
-Under Armour guy
-Works out with his girlfriend guy
-”I know all the trainers by name” guy.
….the list literally goes on and on. You’re only scratching the surface.
Haha I’m a notebook guy. Is everyone secretly calling me an asshosle behind my back? I just started getting back to the gym and want gague my progress. Is that so douchey?
So by being the 2109834571208976524th person ever to write about people at the gym, you just want to let us know you smash triple-digits on the pec deck before a cardio session that stops as soon as the first hair gel/sweat bead trickles down your head. Congratulations, Sally. You da man.
^^ sorry bro but it’s a little clammy. You honestly don’t remember how much you lift in each exercise? As soon as you can do 8 reps move up a notch in weight.
No I am not a chains guy. I am just not some chump who doesn’t know what they are for. I am a notebook/spreadsheet guy, how else are you supposed to stay on task and keep track of how much weight you did with what exercise? While you guys are people watching and complaining about noise I am just there to work out.
i dont see how someone having their own water bugs you that much..yes, ppl who go around all day with a jug are assholes and not to sound like i got the ghey, but im not getting some unknown disease cause some asshole cant drink from a water fountain without touching their lips to the mouthpiece
You forgot my favorite: Take weights of the weight rack and stand right in front of the rack and lift so no one can fucking get to the other weights guy.
Am I the only one who hates the cut-off sleeves/wife beater guy? I get it bro you have guns, cover up tho because no one wants your armpit sweat on the machines. You can jerk off to your pythons in front of a mirror at home.
How about when you are on a circuit machine and along comes “Can I jump in there, i’m doing a superset” Guy? Annnd he doesn’t switch the weight back after you let him on the machine, he just does his set and walks away. A stabbing is justifiable in this instance.
Crop dusting guy so everyone thinks you shit your pants.
Guy who walks 20 feet while looking at the mirror.
Guy who takes off shirt and flexes in mirror for 5 minutes.
Non re rackers. Rack your weights!
Sooo now wearing a tank top or cut off shirt is bad??? Who are you fucking kidding? Maybe if you didn’t have pieces of spaghetti for arms, you’d wear them too.
Don’t forget flop sweat guy who leaves his grease stain on the bench. And smelly guy who wears the same skin tight Under Armour every workout without washing. Finally the I can’t do a machine out of sequence guy who won’t go around you if you’re doing multiple sets.
Only guy who bother me at the gym personally, is: guy who is ridiculously obviously on steroids and does all the above plus condescending looks at you and/or tells you what you’re doing wrong or tries to give pointers – I’m like BRO – ANYTHING works when you’re doing fucking juice!!! You could be jacking off and get muscles you freak. Or you have a casual convo w/ the dude and he acts like its all his hard work and shit why he can bench 315 a dozen times and somehow has stretch marks on his dog damn shoulders and shit. Hate people who LIE about being on roids, don’t give a flying fuck if you do it – but don’t pretend like you don’t
Manny24 – Why are cut-offs necessary? If your argument is comfort, then you should go to the gym in a onesie with the feet attached because nothing is more comfortable than a onesie. If your argument is better range of motion, then why wouldn’t you go naked? Exactly you wouldn’t because that’s gay and unsanitary. You sir are a narcissistic steak that needs to cover up his deltoids. No one wants your armpits’ sweat and smell permeating the gym.
sounds like a lot of fucking pussies on this site. dont wear tank tops, dont carry your own water, dont use machines in any way other than intended, dont look in the mirror, dont make noise blah blah blah go to planet fitness.
Why don’t you funnel your motivation of going to the gym into something more productive, such as upgrading your job title of pizzaboy and shitty blogger
seriously though anyone who actually “keeps track” of their workout, especially with some sort of device, please promptly set yourself on fire. whatever happened to going to the gym and working out until you’re fucking tired? what’s there to keep track of?? go until you can’t go anymore, then do a few more, BOOM POW, that’s called a workout. assclowns.
by DoyleBrunsonsSaggySack on June 13, 2012 at 11:40 pm
I think you left “pizza delivering blogger” of the “kill yourself. Everybody hates you” list.
If you don’t understand how chains work on a deadlift, if you don’t make any noise when you lift and if you give that much of a shit where someone gets their water, go back to pilates where you belong.
Lot of homos in here. The “gym dicks” probably have more of a right to be in there then pencil dick strasser. I carry a gallon. It’s cheap and I don’t have to walk to the fountain after every set. I never once carried a gallon to ‘show the world how superior my workout is.’ You pussies concern yourself so much with these guys the funny thing is they probably don’t even know you exist.
I’d take any one of these guys over people who update their facebook status with an in-depth recap of their workouts. Nobody cares about your workouts. For everyone else on the list, you can easily avoid them by not going to the gym in the afternoon.
it’s a problem to record your shit in a notebook? what??? how the fuck else do you remember how much you lifted the week before and know when to increase weight? there’s a science to working out, you’re cheating yourself out of results if you don’t take it dead serious.
the one i’ll call myself out for is being the “rapping out loud with my headphones on” guy, that’s probably annoying to the people next to me. but pretty much everywhere i go i’m rapping/singing out loud, so it’s just normal to me. by the way, has this afrojack-type shit just full-on replaced rap and rock as standard every day music? that’s kinda weird. i can get down with some of that stuff, but only at raves (they probably don’t call them that anymore) and shit, not on a fucking tuesday afternoon in the gym or just driving around in your car.
my least favorite gym guy is “it’s quite obviously my first and most likely last time at the gym, you can tell because i’m wearing jeans and crocs”-guy. take that shit to planet fitness for fuck sake.
do people really post their workouts on facebook??? social media is for the fucking birds, so i don’t do that shit, and thusly don’t see such abominations. but that’s some sorry-ass shit right there.
everybody hates the fucker that makes a list about the people he hates at the gym, cause your a weak fuck and so making a list makes you feel less like a fucking pussy
I semi-understand the people who bring the notebook, but what the fuck are you keeping track of? Why can’t you just remember it in your head, or is that too much? Do you actually sit down at home and keep track of what you do? I just remember how much weight i did last time and work my way up next time at the gym. Not hard.
ninersbaby, you just have a better memory than me, i guess. but also, it’s not just about weight, it’s about how many reps you did each weight at. for example, my current workout regimen is (for major muscle groups), 4 sets X 3-6 reps for one exercise, two exercises for 3 X 6-12, and one burnout set of 40 (where you do enough weight to tire at 15-20, but rest just long enough to get 5 reps at a time after that til you hit 40), and you move up in weight when you can hit the max reps on all sets (like 4 sets at one weight for the full six reps on the first power-building exercise i described), so it’s important for me to have that recorded.
also, depending on the workout, i might be doing reps at, say, 70% of my max on a particular exercise. your max will increase as you go along so you need to keep track. i’m a certified personal trainer, and i totally recommend (and provide record sheets) recording every workout to all my clients. also, you should be changing exercises for each muscle group every 6-12 weeks, so it’s good to be able to look back and count and see if it’s time to switch up.
dro- man – just give your clients roids in their protein shakes and they’ll come back no doubt!! What about if you’ve hit a plateau? What if you’re not trying to get stronger and just maintain? What if you just care about “being in shape” – don’t need a workout book. That’s where I’m at…I used to care about how much I could bench press until I got into a fight w/ a big ass ex D1 D-lineman, I was sure I’d wind up in ICU – nope. ended up getting on his back and choking his ass out, got in a few kicks while he was unconscious too…stamina is your friend! – Although I still ended up getting my ass kicked after the fact
dude go work out at planet fitness you fucking pussy, no one tells you not to go to the gym and be a fucking loser squid, so stop being mad that you’re an unshapely human being with no nutbag. I am not a gym grunter/water jug hoarder, but that gets their dick hard. I am not going to stop you from watching gay bukkake if that gets your dick hard.
@boston worm, that’s how i hook ‘em. straight deca and winstrel all up in that shit. i put 15 pounds of solid muscle on 55 year old lady in a week, she looks like Lattimer from the Program now, haha.
but for real, you can get by without recording your progress i guess, especially in your case if you’re just trying to maintain. and you’re right, you can’t confuse strength with fighting ability…you either have that in you or you don’t. i have a friend that looks like fucking Drago from Rocky, kid is like 6’6 and ripped like you read about, but he’s a real docile dude. just doesn’t have that switch that flips in his head when it’s go-time. meanwhile, some of the first guys i’d call up to go to war with haven’t set foot in a gym in forever. strength can make a good fighter more dangerous and can give a bad fighter a better chance, but fighting is really like 70-30 mind over body.
not for nothing, but for cut off/tank top guy, it actually makes the exercises more effective when you can watch the muscle contracting. because we really so much on the visual (i.e. little kid doesn’t start crying until he actually sees the cut) not to be that asshole, and there are definitely guys who over do it, but it can actually lead to more gains when you can see the muscle working. i studied this shit for a while, it has a strong basis in fact. that being said, cut off shirts where the hole starts at the hip and goes to the shoulder still makes you a dbag, and the tiny string tank tops and/or the y-back ones that look like fucking sports bras still make you a dick.
gloves are terrible too. if an exercise is too heavy for your grip strength, that’s fine, but get the canvas straps. $3 at most places.
jug guy is a pussy too. u want your own water, fine, but bring a regular size water bottle.
You sir are quite funny. A
You dumbass. Chains are so the weight gets heavier the higher you lift it. Go put your skirt on and just get on the elliptical with the rest of the women.
A-
Or you could just reference Kmarko’s blog back on April 19th about NOT being that guy at the gym. YOU FUCKING SQUID. http://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu/super-page/dont-be-that-guy-at-the-gym/
How about guy that stands right in front of the rack and mirror to curl so nobody else can grab a dumbbell where he’s standing
^^ hahaha, we got a chain guy in the house.
I would move notebook guy up higher in the list due to sheer volume. See plenty of jerkoffs doing that.
You also forgot homos trolling the steam/sauna area, some guys spend hours there.
wow an article about the different personalities at a gym, never seen that before.
WOW what a great piece!!!!!! Because no has ever written about “That Guy” at the gym. Sooooooooooo original.
You’re forgetting so many
-Gloves guy
-Bandana guy
-Everything matches guy
-Hairgel guy
-Cut shirt over tank top guy (usually has a jug too)
-Under Armour guy
-Works out with his girlfriend guy
-”I know all the trainers by name” guy.
….the list literally goes on and on. You’re only scratching the surface.
Haha I’m a notebook guy. Is everyone secretly calling me an asshosle behind my back? I just started getting back to the gym and want gague my progress. Is that so douchey?
dinkyinyourstinky, in all fairness no one reads barstool U.
Pretty good stuff Strasser. Got to tip the cap on that blog.
So by being the 2109834571208976524th person ever to write about people at the gym, you just want to let us know you smash triple-digits on the pec deck before a cardio session that stops as soon as the first hair gel/sweat bead trickles down your head. Congratulations, Sally. You da man.
^^ sorry bro but it’s a little clammy. You honestly don’t remember how much you lift in each exercise? As soon as you can do 8 reps move up a notch in weight.
610, how is the sandusky urban achievers hockey team you coach?
Playoffs Saturday, first-round bye. I’m a motherfucking Varsity hockey Herb Brooks.
you certainly are a herb. where is the rest of the knitting club?
and who is strasser? the things i’ve missed.
Everybody Hates You: Barstool Writer Dick
1. Strasser
2. Strasser
3. Tallone
4. Zollo
No I am not a chains guy. I am just not some chump who doesn’t know what they are for. I am a notebook/spreadsheet guy, how else are you supposed to stay on task and keep track of how much weight you did with what exercise? While you guys are people watching and complaining about noise I am just there to work out.
Pizza boy’s stock has fallen faster than Facebook
nothing wrong with being a notebook guy – gotta track your progress. F the haters.
i dont see how someone having their own water bugs you that much..yes, ppl who go around all day with a jug are assholes and not to sound like i got the ghey, but im not getting some unknown disease cause some asshole cant drink from a water fountain without touching their lips to the mouthpiece
You forgot my favorite: Take weights of the weight rack and stand right in front of the rack and lift so no one can fucking get to the other weights guy.
what the fuck is wrong with using gloves? shrugs hurt like hell without gloves
Am I the only one who hates the cut-off sleeves/wife beater guy? I get it bro you have guns, cover up tho because no one wants your armpit sweat on the machines. You can jerk off to your pythons in front of a mirror at home.
How about, Use a machine different than what is intended for guy. Like he discovered a different way to hit a new muscle.
How about when you are on a circuit machine and along comes “Can I jump in there, i’m doing a superset” Guy? Annnd he doesn’t switch the weight back after you let him on the machine, he just does his set and walks away. A stabbing is justifiable in this instance.
I thought i was the only person who thought dudes who bring a gallon of water around with them all day were complete douches i guess not.
Crop dusting guy so everyone thinks you shit your pants.
Guy who walks 20 feet while looking at the mirror.
Guy who takes off shirt and flexes in mirror for 5 minutes.
Non re rackers. Rack your weights!
Sooo now wearing a tank top or cut off shirt is bad??? Who are you fucking kidding? Maybe if you didn’t have pieces of spaghetti for arms, you’d wear them too.
So bottom line, every guy at the gym is dick.
P.S. only real dickhead is the guy who refuses to wear a towel pre-/post-shower
Don’t forget flop sweat guy who leaves his grease stain on the bench. And smelly guy who wears the same skin tight Under Armour every workout without washing. Finally the I can’t do a machine out of sequence guy who won’t go around you if you’re doing multiple sets.
Only guy who bother me at the gym personally, is: guy who is ridiculously obviously on steroids and does all the above plus condescending looks at you and/or tells you what you’re doing wrong or tries to give pointers – I’m like BRO – ANYTHING works when you’re doing fucking juice!!! You could be jacking off and get muscles you freak. Or you have a casual convo w/ the dude and he acts like its all his hard work and shit why he can bench 315 a dozen times and somehow has stretch marks on his dog damn shoulders and shit. Hate people who LIE about being on roids, don’t give a flying fuck if you do it – but don’t pretend like you don’t
Don’t forget the guy doesn’t waste his time worrying about the other people there
Manny24 – Why are cut-offs necessary? If your argument is comfort, then you should go to the gym in a onesie with the feet attached because nothing is more comfortable than a onesie. If your argument is better range of motion, then why wouldn’t you go naked? Exactly you wouldn’t because that’s gay and unsanitary. You sir are a narcissistic steak that needs to cover up his deltoids. No one wants your armpits’ sweat and smell permeating the gym.
sounds like a lot of fucking pussies on this site. dont wear tank tops, dont carry your own water, dont use machines in any way other than intended, dont look in the mirror, dont make noise blah blah blah go to planet fitness.
Why don’t you funnel your motivation of going to the gym into something more productive, such as upgrading your job title of pizzaboy and shitty blogger
thought this was hands down the worst blog this pizza fag has posted since coming on board. kfc, do us all a favor and can this stupid guido
this is a funny ass article, too true. anybody who is knocking it is guilty of being one of em.
this blog sucks who the fuck is strasser i bet uve never even been to a real gym in ur life u prob go to planet fitness and use the machines
strasser…. so hot right now… i would turn your ° into an O, you’re just a little too old for me ;^)
seriously though anyone who actually “keeps track” of their workout, especially with some sort of device, please promptly set yourself on fire. whatever happened to going to the gym and working out until you’re fucking tired? what’s there to keep track of?? go until you can’t go anymore, then do a few more, BOOM POW, that’s called a workout. assclowns.
I think you left “pizza delivering blogger” of the “kill yourself. Everybody hates you” list.
If you don’t understand how chains work on a deadlift, if you don’t make any noise when you lift and if you give that much of a shit where someone gets their water, go back to pilates where you belong.
Hey pizza fuck, do you even lift, phaggot? Negged.
Lot of homos in here. The “gym dicks” probably have more of a right to be in there then pencil dick strasser. I carry a gallon. It’s cheap and I don’t have to walk to the fountain after every set. I never once carried a gallon to ‘show the world how superior my workout is.’ You pussies concern yourself so much with these guys the funny thing is they probably don’t even know you exist.
I’d take any one of these guys over people who update their facebook status with an in-depth recap of their workouts. Nobody cares about your workouts. For everyone else on the list, you can easily avoid them by not going to the gym in the afternoon.
it’s a problem to record your shit in a notebook? what??? how the fuck else do you remember how much you lifted the week before and know when to increase weight? there’s a science to working out, you’re cheating yourself out of results if you don’t take it dead serious.
the one i’ll call myself out for is being the “rapping out loud with my headphones on” guy, that’s probably annoying to the people next to me. but pretty much everywhere i go i’m rapping/singing out loud, so it’s just normal to me. by the way, has this afrojack-type shit just full-on replaced rap and rock as standard every day music? that’s kinda weird. i can get down with some of that stuff, but only at raves (they probably don’t call them that anymore) and shit, not on a fucking tuesday afternoon in the gym or just driving around in your car.
my least favorite gym guy is “it’s quite obviously my first and most likely last time at the gym, you can tell because i’m wearing jeans and crocs”-guy. take that shit to planet fitness for fuck sake.
do people really post their workouts on facebook??? social media is for the fucking birds, so i don’t do that shit, and thusly don’t see such abominations. but that’s some sorry-ass shit right there.
who the fuck goes to the gym, seriously? i did a pushup last week and im still tired…
everybody hates the fucker that makes a list about the people he hates at the gym, cause your a weak fuck and so making a list makes you feel less like a fucking pussy
I semi-understand the people who bring the notebook, but what the fuck are you keeping track of? Why can’t you just remember it in your head, or is that too much? Do you actually sit down at home and keep track of what you do? I just remember how much weight i did last time and work my way up next time at the gym. Not hard.
ninersbaby, you just have a better memory than me, i guess. but also, it’s not just about weight, it’s about how many reps you did each weight at. for example, my current workout regimen is (for major muscle groups), 4 sets X 3-6 reps for one exercise, two exercises for 3 X 6-12, and one burnout set of 40 (where you do enough weight to tire at 15-20, but rest just long enough to get 5 reps at a time after that til you hit 40), and you move up in weight when you can hit the max reps on all sets (like 4 sets at one weight for the full six reps on the first power-building exercise i described), so it’s important for me to have that recorded.
also, depending on the workout, i might be doing reps at, say, 70% of my max on a particular exercise. your max will increase as you go along so you need to keep track. i’m a certified personal trainer, and i totally recommend (and provide record sheets) recording every workout to all my clients. also, you should be changing exercises for each muscle group every 6-12 weeks, so it’s good to be able to look back and count and see if it’s time to switch up.
dro- man – just give your clients roids in their protein shakes and they’ll come back no doubt!! What about if you’ve hit a plateau? What if you’re not trying to get stronger and just maintain? What if you just care about “being in shape” – don’t need a workout book. That’s where I’m at…I used to care about how much I could bench press until I got into a fight w/ a big ass ex D1 D-lineman, I was sure I’d wind up in ICU – nope. ended up getting on his back and choking his ass out, got in a few kicks while he was unconscious too…stamina is your friend! – Although I still ended up getting my ass kicked after the fact
why the fuck you need a notebook, if you can’t remember what you need to do, get the fuck out.
you forgot “Guy who has to look at himself in every mirror he walks by” You haven’t gotten any bigger since the mirror you looked into 8 feet ago
I’m the I will always be skinny and tall without steriods guy. Better known as I don’t need to hit the gym cause I have a big dick guy.
pretty sure you have to have at least 5 entries to write one of these articles. this wasn’t that good.
dude go work out at planet fitness you fucking pussy, no one tells you not to go to the gym and be a fucking loser squid, so stop being mad that you’re an unshapely human being with no nutbag. I am not a gym grunter/water jug hoarder, but that gets their dick hard. I am not going to stop you from watching gay bukkake if that gets your dick hard.
@boston worm, that’s how i hook ‘em. straight deca and winstrel all up in that shit. i put 15 pounds of solid muscle on 55 year old lady in a week, she looks like Lattimer from the Program now, haha.
but for real, you can get by without recording your progress i guess, especially in your case if you’re just trying to maintain. and you’re right, you can’t confuse strength with fighting ability…you either have that in you or you don’t. i have a friend that looks like fucking Drago from Rocky, kid is like 6’6 and ripped like you read about, but he’s a real docile dude. just doesn’t have that switch that flips in his head when it’s go-time. meanwhile, some of the first guys i’d call up to go to war with haven’t set foot in a gym in forever. strength can make a good fighter more dangerous and can give a bad fighter a better chance, but fighting is really like 70-30 mind over body.
not for nothing, but for cut off/tank top guy, it actually makes the exercises more effective when you can watch the muscle contracting. because we really so much on the visual (i.e. little kid doesn’t start crying until he actually sees the cut) not to be that asshole, and there are definitely guys who over do it, but it can actually lead to more gains when you can see the muscle working. i studied this shit for a while, it has a strong basis in fact. that being said, cut off shirts where the hole starts at the hip and goes to the shoulder still makes you a dbag, and the tiny string tank tops and/or the y-back ones that look like fucking sports bras still make you a dick.
gloves are terrible too. if an exercise is too heavy for your grip strength, that’s fine, but get the canvas straps. $3 at most places.
jug guy is a pussy too. u want your own water, fine, but bring a regular size water bottle.